We’re down to three ladies on “The Bachelor” — and we’re headed to Thailand. Let’s find out which two lucky ladies make it to the finale, shall we?
Sean stares contemplatively off the bow of a boat. It’s kind of making it look like he rode to Thailand on that boat, sort like when “Survivor” used to make it look like Jeff Probst left the final Tribal Council on a jetski and rode all the way to the finale in New York or whatever.
Crazily, Sean is not shirtless. He has on a tank top like he’s in a Sunny D commercial from 1996. And we have to relive his relationships with each of the women, including more push-ups. Seriously, he spends approximately a quarter of his time on this show doing push-ups.
There aren’t any new revelations, though we see that he likes Catherine for her goofiness and with AshLee, he likes her big heart. Though he says, “AshLee has one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever come across,” which makes him sound like a serial killer. Or a cardiologist. But serial killer is funnier.
With Lindsay, we have to revisit the wedding dress debacle, which is a little tired, but also — it’s kind of amazing she’s in the final three after that stunt.
Shirtless Sean emerges from a pool and prays for clarity about who to send home. Oh, the drama.
They take off on a little cart thing and stop at a Thai market and — what are the painted chicks for? Are they to eat? Are they pets? What is going on? Anyway, Sean decides to put Lindsay to the test by making her do what she said she wouldn’t do, which is kind of this show’s M.O. Like, find the girl scared of heights and make her rappel off a building. Take Lindsay, who doesn’t want to eat bugs, to eat bugs.
Lindsay decides that Sean’s bravery inspires her to eat a bug. Ahhh, young love. She crows, “Oh my god, I just ate a bug. That is out of control.” Not sure that counts as “out of control,” but maybe Lindsay’s life has been pretty boring so far.
They hit the beach and they talk about how much fun they have together and how Lindsay’s his best friend, in what is possibly the most boring and chemistry-less conversation so far this season. We seriously do not see it with these two.
Then they feed some really cute monkeys that a production assistant released from a cage just off camera, and they make out with the sunset in the background. That’s very picturesque.
That night, they eat dinner amongst the Walt Disney World Main Street Electrical Lights parade, then Sean makes sure Lindsay would be willing to move to Dallas. That’s definitely going to be a hurdle for Catherine. Lindsay’s down, AshLee’s from Houston, which isn’t that far, but Catherine’s from Seattle. That’s a hike.
Lindsay is fretting over not telling Sean she loves him, so she tap-dances around it for a bit and misses her chance when the floor show appears. Lindsay says, “All of a sudden, everything comes alive. Thailand is all around us,” which — Lindsay does not win the title of “wordsmith.”
The Get-Some Card appears and Lindsay agrees to go to the Fantasy Suite. Her dress looks like something Kelly would’ve worn on the original “90210,” right? Anyway, the FS is beautiful and they drink champagne on the bed as Sean tells Lindsay she’s everything he’s looking for, plus his best friend. She then stutters around some more and finally blurts out, “I love you.”
Sean leans in to reward her with a kiss as the music swells. They presumably go off to make sweet, sweet love.
AshLee voiceovers that Sean is the love of her life and she is just filled with an abundance of joy being with him. She just seems so gosh-darn sincere — if she is rejected, we feel like it is not going to be pretty.
For their date, they have to swim through a dark cave to get to a private beach. AshLee, who does not like to be out of control, is not super pumped. Frankly, I would not be either. I watch movies — there is some kind of sea-demon or great white crocosaurus living in that cave that is going to eat them. And Eric Roberts and Debbie Gibson are not on hand to save them.
Love AshLee’s frank, “I don’t do caves.” Heh.
As they swim, we are treated to the literal metaphors of how sometimes when you’re with the person you love, “you’re going down this dark alleyway,” which — what? She also talks about taking a risk and not knowing the outcome and then wonders (in a foreshadow-y way?) that he might say, “You’re amazing, but you’re not the one.”
Sean gets in on the metaphor action with “light at the end of the tunnel” and then of course they emerge victorious from the cave adventure. No man-eating seabeasts to be seen. They end up at a pretty amazing spot that is completely surrounded by sharp cliffs. That is pretty cool, I will admit. Beats the heck out of the Disney Light Parade and eating bugs.
They make out.
That night, they come upon a small hut thing for dinner and Sean says, “This is ours for the night.” It’d be hysterical if that was the Fantasy Suite. Speaking of the FS, AshLee’s not sure about the overnight date, morals-wise.
But before that, they talk about being as old as they are and still being single. AshLee is 32, after all. To be fair, Sean doesn’t act like there’s something wrong with her. He says he gets that question at 29 all the time too.
They both say they don’t take the engagement on this show lightly and she just keeps looking at Sean like the sun rises and sets on him. It’s … making me uncomfortable that she’s going home, which makes me a sad panda.
Anyway, the Nookie Note comes out and Sean talking-heads that the perfect ending to the date would be staying up all night talking with AshLee. And amazingly enough, it feels sincere. Have I been drinking too much “Bachelor” Kool-Aid?
AshLee is worried about how it looks, which — don’t let that be the issue. If you go to the FS, you can still not have sex and be your own woman, don’t let anybody make you feel crappy if you know you behaved the way you wanted to behave.
Seriously, I joke about the “Nookie Note,” but I have never assumed that every couple has sex in the FS.
In the suite, they’re all schmoopy and googly-eyed, but then AshLee describes her engagement ring and gives him her ring size. Uh, that’s kind of weird. That is really setting yourself up to be eliminated, plus it makes you look a little crazy.
Sorry, but it does. That would rub me the wrong way if I was Sean. And of course, as we go to commercial, AshLee calls him her soul mate and says she’ll do anything to make him happy. Oh, AshLee is so going home.
They’re going cruising on a boat, so of course, the “Titanic” joke comes out. Couldn’t pay me enough to make a “Titanic” joke on a boat. That is just asking for trouble.
They smooch and Catherine is adorable during her talking-head. She’s so bubbly and beautiful. If she doesn’t win, Catherine for next Bachelorette.
The big hurdle for these two is Catherine’s life in Seattle — they are two very different people and Catherine definitely hasn’t gotten all slobbery like Lindsay and AshLee, in terms of wanting to settle down with Sean in Dallas.
Catherine says she’s ready and that her sisters don’t know what they’re talking about, when they kind of scared Sean in Seattle. She puts Sean’s mind at ease about possibly moving to Dallas, and they backflip off the boat, which is awesome.
These two seem really great together, we’re coming around on Catherine. Always liked her, but didn’t
see a spark between them until very recently.
Their dinner setting is the best yet. Not near parade floats or in some hut in the middle of nowhere. They talk about their lives in five years — Catherine says they’d be married and probably there would be a kid already.
She then goes on to talk about the Fantasy Suite, saying before she came on the show, she said she wouldn’t do it. But now she’s totally DTF. No, haha, sorry. I kid, I kid. Catherine has realized it’s about spending time with Sean and he says his intentions aren’t unseemly, he just wants the time alone.
When the Lurve Letter shows up, Catherine says she’s in. She talking-heads that she never thought a boy like Sean would like a girl like her, which makes me want to give her a big hug. After the tears when Lesley was eliminated, we have some serious concerns about Catherine’s self-esteem.
She seems great and she’s a total fox, who is not the slightest bit chubby. Sean wins us over just a little bit more when he says he’s the lucky one, to Catherine. Awww. They smooch and look at the stars.
So, who is Sean going to choose? Honestly, before this we were thinking AshLee and Catherine, but now that we’ve seen how this is edited, we think AshLee is a goner. And it’s going to be ugly.
But first — a promo for “Oz the Great and Powerful,” which does, admittedly, looks awesome. Though we aren’t sure how this leaves the odds for “Wicked” coming to the big screen, since they don’t seem to really fit inside the same universe. Not that it can’t happen, too, of course.
Also, who remembers “Return to Oz”? I have a very distinct memory of seeing that in the theater at a young age and crying.
I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison
Sean says he totally knows who he needs to send home, just because it happens that the other two relationships are stronger than this one. He says he has strong feelings for her and that he knows she cares for him — and that he never thought he’d send this person home, which makes us think it’s AshLee.
He then adds that she’s so sweet and so full of love, and yeah — it’s gotta be AshLee. Sean also says he’s in love. Which always strikes us as funny, because if he knows he’s in love, why string one more woman along in the finale?
Before the big decision, each woman makes a final video plea to stay, which has always kind of rubbed us the wrong way. It’s needy and desperate and weird, but the contestants have to do it.
Lindsay’s video is pretty boring, pretty by-the-book. Catherine’s video seems more real and more sincere. Ashlee’s video is full of grand statements about how epic their love is and whatnot, plus she cries. She’s very dramatic, not that she’s full of it or anything. She’s just very dramatic. And when she cries, Sean already looks like he’s about to throw up. Poor AshLee. This is going to be brutal, y’all.
There is more contemplative staring, plus a rainstorm. Wow, these production assistants are top-notch this season. Sean worries that the woman he’s sending home will not be OK after this Rose Ceremony. Oh, goodness.
I predict the first rose goes to Lindsay. Sean arrives and gives a speech about getting sent home during this week on Emily’s season and how blindsided he was, which he fears is going to happen here.
Hilariously, as he picks up the first rose, Lindsay sighs, “Oh s***.” She then gets the first rose. And then so does … Catherine. AshLee looks crushed, and then super mad. There is a very dramatic stare-down between her and Sean, then she just starts walking.
She asks him to stay put, but he tries to explain himself. Sean looks so upset and AshLee just looks angry. Like, nuclear bomb angry. After all this editing, I was really expecting her to be a crying mess, but she is ready to punch Sean in the throat and burn the building down.
AshLee gets in the SUV without really saying anything to Sean and he just hangs his head. As she leaves, she says this wasn’t a game to her and wasn’t about “laughter and joking and having fun,” which — that might be part of the problem.
Hmm. There was a lot less garment rending than we thought there would be. She finally does start crying and won’t face the camera, saying she thought Sean was the one for her.
Next week: The Women Tell All! And in two weeks, does Sean’s mom not approve of either girl?