bachelor finale 'The Bachelor' finale: Courtney Robertson or Lindzi Cox, who does Ben Flajnik choose?“Monumental mountain, monumental moment.” That is how dramatic this “Bachelor” finale is, y’all. Monumental.

We kind of like the cold setting, with the cozy sweaters and hot chocolate and stuff. It’s a nice change from the bikini-season settings of norm. Also, you cannot make me like Courtney by showing her petting a cat for three seconds.

Ben’s mom and sister arrive. Man, his sister really looks like him with a wig on, doesn’t she? He acts like he really needs their input, but do you really think he’ll ditch Courtney just because his family members don’t like her? I’m not sure even that can penetrate his thick skull.

Courtney comes up before they even meet her and sister looks skeptical and tells Ben that the other girls not liking her is kind of a red flag. Ding ding ding!

Lindzi’s Time

Honestly, this one is a little boring – but in a good way. They all seem very at ease and comfortable hanging out. Lindzi seems to make a great impression on both the mom and the sister. Julia even advises her to dig deeper and open up more to Ben – so clearly I know who Julia is rooting for. Ha!

Julia hilariously asks Lindzi about Courtney and Lindzi very diplomatically says she and Courtney are very different people. She nicely refers to Courtney as “shut off” and not trying to make friends, which is a charitable way to put it.

Julia eventually tells Ben that Lindzi is a great choice and she’s ready to give herself to Ben (Lindzi, not Julia). Ben says his sister’s stamp of approval means the world to him. His mom is also a fan. He then has to tell his family to keep an open mind about Courtney – his mom actually goes, “Courtney. She’s the model” and her emphasis on the word “model” is like if his mom said, “She’s a child molester.” It’s rather awesome. Spin-off for Ben’s family!

Courtney’s Time

Speaking of Ben’s awesome family, the next day Julia has on a really kicky hat and white sweater that I totally dig. Julia should get her own show for realz, guys.

When they start hanging out, the “model” job comes up and Courtney immediately says the girls didn’t like her from day one and that “it’s a competition.” She says she really tried with everybody, which – not really – but she also says she just gave up because girls wouldn’t even look at her. That’s … not how I remember it, but OK.

During alone time with Julia, Courtney tries to blame it on people being nasty to her first. And kisses up by talking about how in love she is with Ben. Then she has alone time with Barbara and actually comes across pretty well – talking about being nervous and vulnerable and whatnot.

Ben and Julia sit together and Julia says she’s shocked at how amazing and sweet Courtney is. WHAT?! Oh, Julia. I am so disappointed in you. You have been bamboozled along with your doofy brother.

Lindzi’s Date

A horse-drawn carriage is a nice way to change it up from a helicopter. Perhaps they can make a metaphor out of how their relationship is like walking behind a horse – you have to look out for giant turd piles, but if you can navigate around the poop, you come out stronger for it on the other side.

They’re going skiing, which is like my idea of a nightmare date and this is even Lindzi’s first time – metaphor! “It’s like relationships – sometimes you don’t know [what to expect], but you know when it’s right and you know the risks that are worth taking. You don’t even think of it as risks because you’re so excited to take ’em.” I like my poop metaphor better.

Their gondola stops midway up the mountain and the wind whistles and we can only hope it’s an actual mechanical failure, but really it’s just an opportunity for Lindzi to open up. So they talk about nothing for awhile.

When the actual skiing happens, they go in tandem, which seems like a leg-breaking disaster waiting to happen. That night, Lindzi has set up her chateau all romantically and they say schmoopy things to each other, culminating with Lindzi saying, “I love you” and that she sees a life with Ben. Oh, she is going to be so sad when he chooses Courtney.

Courtney’s Date

They take a chopper over the Matterhorn, which is probably cooler than most of the show’s helicopter rides, I will admit. “I’m hoping our relationship is progressing to new heights.” – drink!

They do some kind of grilling and drinking, talking about their journey on the show. Courtney says it’s been hard for her – kinda brought that on yourself, lady. Then they make snow angels and go sledding, unfortunately managing to stop before they plunge into the icy lake. Drats.

That night, Courtney says Ben is the guy for her and gives him a present – a photo album of their journey on the show with a love letter inside that she reads aloud to him. But after all that, she gets all needy about how his family knew about her problems with the women and he says he had to bring it up and get their perspective. But Courtney is still worried because he doubts her.

Ben’s Contemplation Montage

Misty water-colored memories, dad stuff, thoughtful walking, Courtney’s a risk, Lindzi’s amazing and warm. He says the woman he wants to propose to is someone he feels he was put on this Earth to be with, or something. I really dig the ladies’ cloaks, just by the way. Also, they arriving by helicopter. Ha! That ought to be a fun ride down after being rejected.

The Rejection

Yep, it’s Lindzi. No shock there, right? You guys have seen Courtney’s win coming since the skinny dipping incident, yes? On the way up, Lindzi says this is a moment girls dream about their whole life. Well, not this moment – but you don’t know that yet.

Ben says she’s what he’s looked for in a woman his entire life and he’s fallen in love with her, but he’s found his moments to last a lifetime with someone else, he’s in love with someone else.

She can’t really talk, you can tell she’s trying her best not to start crying. He keeps apologizing and she says she’s mad at herself for not giving him what he needed. Uh, his loss, lady. Ooof, but then she very desperately says if things don’t work out, call me. Oh, Lindzi. Really? You want Courtney’s sloppy seconds? Of course, that’s kind of the whole premise of the show.

As she leaves (in her kicky cloak), she says if he does want to marry Courtney he’s going to look like a total fool.

The Proposal

Ben says, “It’s been an incredible road getting to this point with you … real signs of what life could be, from our first date in Sonoma where I felt like we were on this same path and this wavelength of sorts and we understood each other, to Belize where I had a moment, past, present and future, on top of the ruin” blah blah blah “you’re my forever.”

Courtney’s gasp of surprise seemed really fake, to me. He says he’s more in love with her than she’ll ever know and then he proposes and she says yes. They say they will love each other forever and kiss, then “oh my dad” and the music swells. Do all the platitudes and “love you forevers” also seem fake to anyone else?

So that’s the “Bachelor” season. What did you think, fans?  Our recap of the After the Final Rose reunion is here.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."