Poor Tenley can’t dance her way into “Bachelor” Jake’s heart — he proposes to Vienna.
But before we get to the big moment, we must sit through two hours of family, rings, tears, family, tears, Chris Harrison, tears, the ring guy, decisions, tears, angst, family and tears. Strap in, gang!
Jake gives us a recap of the show, how he thinks Tenley is too perfect but he has lightning-hot chemistry with Vienna. You know how that sounds, don’t you Jake? Like there’s a too-perfect nice girl (read: what you told Jillian you are) and then there’s a girl you want to get with. Isn’t this what you complain about regarding your own life? Interesting.
Jake greets his family, what a cute group. He confesses he’s fallen for both women “so deeply” that he needs help figuring out which is the one for him. His mom immediately cottons on to the fact that Vienna is the girl none of the other girls liked and that maybe that should tell him something. Jake’s mom FTW. He’s worried that by saying that about Vienna, he has pre-determined their opinions about her.
Tenley’s Pavelka Day
Tenley is full of great soundbites about Jake’s character and values and whatnot. Not that I think she’s fake, because I don’t, but that’s such a perfect way to approach the family. In her one-on-one with Tenley, Jake’s mom Sallie asks how Tenley might get along with the daughters-in-law because they’re the glue of the family. Tenley busts out the ex-husband thing and it doesn’t really answer Sallie’s question but they both cry and bond without really saying too much.
The brothers and sisters-in-law tell Jake that Tenley seems like the one. I don’t think they even want to meet Vienna! Haha. Meanwhile, Tenley gets alone time with Jake’s dad Jim and she is just gushing about Jake and wanting to have great grandparents for her kids and Jim looks ready to just burst. Jim interviews afterwards that he think he met his future daughter-in-law today and Sallie tells Jake that Tenley has no red flags about Tenley. Let’s call it right now! Jake + Tenley = <3! They jump in the pool with all their clothes on, it’s pretty sex-say.
Then the rest of the family joins them, so it becomes less sex-say. But the family in their individual interviews has nothing bad to say about Tenley. I mean, they are ready to slap a veil on that girl and have the wedding right there in St. Lucia.
Vienna’s Pavelka Day
Vienna is nervous and rightly so — following Tenley is like being some weird coffeehouse singer following the Stones or something. Vienna immediately bring sup how the girls hated her from the beginning and it’s absolute crickets. Vienna says it’s because she’s brutally honest and she manages to come off as a total witch. She then (jokingly) calls Laura, the sister-in-law, kinda fat. I mean, she kinda does. It’s not a good joke to make. Read a room, Vienna.
Sallie is not happy with Vienna. Her weird sarcasm and lack of anything nice to say is really making it awkward and Sallie tells Jake she is bothered by Vienna and how she’ll get along with the sisters-in-law. Totally. They’ve been around the family and Vienna is new and they will hate her. They will band together and leave her out, whereas Tenley will be their new BFF. I mean, I don’t even think this is editing on the part of the show. I think this is just reality.
Jake thinks his mom’s opinion is because he set Vienna up to be the “bad guy” by telling them Vienna was not well-liked in the house. I don’t think that’s entirely it, dude. Vienna’s meeting your parents is the worst meeting-of-the-parents ever.
Jake’s brothers very astutely say that Vienna’s “brutal honesty” is an immature defense mechanism and Jake admits that she’s not as mature as Vienna. He then interviews that he’s trying to sell people on Vienna. That might be a red flag! Hello! You shouldn’t have to sell her to your family! The sisters-in-law ask Vienna about Tenley and Vienna says that Tenley is a yes-man. She then says that Jake is in love with her and not Tenley.
The sisters-in-law reassures Jake that Vienna sees him how he really is, while Vienna tries to make her case to Sallie. She starts crying about imagining her life without Jake and Sallie says her mind is changed, but I still don’t see the gushing love that Tenley got.
They head to a Sulfur Spring and she balks. That’s not Adventurous Vienna Jake knows and loves! I like the smell of sulfur and I’ve been told on more than one occasion that that’s weird. Oh well. They get muddy and smooch, it’s a typical Vienna date. She giggles like a little girl about how “steamy” it is. My god, is she 15 years old? She’s like a walking Sweet Valley High book. Gag me. But on the other hand, Jake has turned out to be kind of a doof so maybe they’re made for each other.
That night, Vienna talks to Jake about her sham wedding from a few years ago where she and her friend were just being silly kids. It just broke her dad’s heart, which is really unfortunate. That would be so hard. She says it helped her mature and grow up, which makes me wonder what else it will take to get her to the space the rest of the grown-ups live in. Anyway, she then gives Jake her promise ring because she told her dad she’d give it to the man she wanted to do things right with. There’s a very nice note attached, but it won’t melt my cold black heart against Vienna.
Tenley and Jake run into each other’s arms and smooch, it’s so rom-com. I love Tenley, I wish she could be the next Bachelorette (if Jake picks Vienna, which I have a sneaking suspicion he will), but Ali’s cool too. Maybe Tenley can be on “Dancing with the Stars.” That’d be neat too.
They go snorkeling and there’s … is that a boat on the ocean floor? I covered my eyes. I’m not kidding, sunken ships and planes scare me. One of my unnatural fears. My heart is pounding. Yikes. It’s jsut so creepy and unnatural. DO NOT WANT.
Moving on. Tenley and Jake relax on their boat in the sunset and Jake says he worries that he and Tenley have emotional chemistry but no physical chemistry, like no mad, passionate love. Tenley sighs with tears in her eyes and says, “I feel it.” Oh wow. That breaks my heart a little. I am now convinced he is going to pick Vienna because he doesn’t feel the spark with Tenley. She clearly does, though, and that is really sad. Tenley really is a real-life Disney character and it sucks that she got there with Jake and he didn’t get there with her.
That night, Tenley is really nervous about him coming over to her suite. Man, I want to hug Tenley and have her be the Charlotte to my Samantha. Ali can come too and be Carrie. It’ll be great! Anyway, Jake shows up and he feels so badly about how the talk on the yacht went. Jake reassures her that he just wanted to be honest with her and he does love her, but I still don’t think it’s there. You can’t fake the spark and I think Tenley’s in for a disappointment. For Jake, he loves Tenley as a BFF, I fear.
She then gives him a photo collage that she (or an industrious little production assistant) made. There is more smoochies and it seems alright, but I’m still skeptical that Tenley wins Jake’s heart.
Jake springs shirtlessly out of bed and tries to look contemplative while being shirtless on the balcony. He then moves to the pool and shirtlessly dips his feet in while being shirtless and torn about being in love with two people. Shirtless.
The women they talk about Jake. Tenley drinks coffee and talks about she and Jake being a team, while Vienna squats on the beach and talks about their chemistry. She then gets in the shower.
Neil Lane, the ring guy, arrives and I just have to share this picture to the right. It’s on the ABC press site and it’s hilarious because doesn’t it look like Jake and Neil are these weird new BFFs? I mean, did they just meet at Boy Scout Camp? It’s weird, right?
Jake agonizes over his decision while staring at his two rings. He says Tenley is perfect for him while Vienna is is full of life and naturally sexy. To each his own, I guess. Because I don’t honestly think Vienna is sexy at all. Like Joel McHale says on “The Soup,” Vienna’s “not cross-eyed, she’s just good about looking both ways before crossing the street.”
The women load up into their helicopters and head off to the big finale showdown. Who’s it gonna be?!?!
The Final Rose
Tenley is first. Oh noes. She looks so beautiful in her strapless gold-y gown. Jake takes her hands and you can tell the exact moment she realizes it isn’t her. Her smile tugs down just a little. Oh, Tenley. Jake starts crying and Tenley’s crying and he says something just doesn’t feel right. She appreciates his honesty, which is the line that gets me. Geez. She says she knows now that she can love again and find somebody who loves her. She then says, “Thank you for making me feel special” and I actually tear up. Oh, Tenley!
He walks her out and they hug and say things like I’m never gonna forget you and I’ve never met somebody like you and she wonders why it’s not her. As she leaves she says she was feeling alive again and whispers, “Thank you for giving that to me.” In the limo, Tenley says that Jake will end up seeing the mistake he made but that she’s thankful for being able to dream again.
I’m totally dubious of shows like this and yet … this is rough, y’all. Also, it wouldn’t shock me if cartoon birds braided Tenley’s hair every morning.
Did you see the new cast for “Dancing with the Stars?” They revealed 10 but there’s one more. I bet it’s Tenley. I called that weeks ago!
Vienna arrives and Jake gives back her promise ring, which is a total fake-out move. Vienna looks like she’s going to just barf. Jake gets down on one knee and proposes to her. She cries and laughs and they hug and it’s all very nice. Then a montage of their greatest hits kicks up to “On the Wings of Love,” which is SO GREAT! They finally busted out the eponymous song! Jake then gives Vienna the final rose and we’re off to “After the Final Rose” in a separate recap.
So that’s “The Bachelor” season guys? Do you think Ali’s the next Bachelorette and Tenley’s the mystery 11th contestant on “Dancing with the Stars?” Me too.
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Allemand on Vienna: ‘She’s a great girl, I hope it’s her’