juan pablo nikki bachelor 'The Bachelor': Juan Pablo crushes Clare after a romp in the oceanWe join “The Bachelor” and his remaining ladies as they jet from South Korea to Vietnam and, as one girl voice-overs, the scenery in Vietnam is incredible.

Nikki says she’s ready to put last week behind her and move forward. We shall see. She definitely is not pleased that Renee gets the first one-on-one, but she is not the only woman who feels that way.

Renee’s Date

“We have traveled literally to the other side of the world,” says Renee. The actual antipode of Los Angeles, where the show began, is much closer to Madagascar. But we had to look that up, so we’ll give Renee a “close enough” on that one.

After a pedi-cab ride (with Juan Pablo peddling, which — it’s nice that he did that, but it’s also hard to talk that way), they go dress shopping, where Renee is going to get a traditional Vietnamese garment. OK, that’s kind of cool. Plus, lots of opportunities to drink at the plethora of metaphors regarding “being the perfect fit.” Wine glasses up, readers.

As they wait for her dress to be made, they shop for souvenirs for their respective children, Camila and Ben. Renee says it melts her heart that “Juan Pablo is buying Ben gifts and is buying [her] gifts.” She can’t actually think that Juan Pablo foots the bill for this, right? Surely not.

That night, Renee debuts her beautiful custom-made dress, which is in this shimmery blue-purple fabric that really flatters her. Well done, seamstress. That dress is gorgeous. At dinner there’s a lot of talk about their children and being a good parent. These two, to us, seem like one of those “great as friends” dates you see on these shows sometimes. Not feeling the romantic spark here.

Renee gets the rose, but she’s frustrated there hasn’t been any smooching yet. JP gives an interview that he’s excited to kiss Renee, but he doesn’t want to set a bad example for either Camila or Renee’s son Ben, so it’s not going to happen tonight.

You know, we would’ve had a ton of respect if Juan Pablo’s rule had been no kissing until the final five or something, but the barn door is open, dude. You’ve kissed six horses, no sense trying to shut it now. (Drink for the mixed metaphor!)

Group Date

It’s Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle and Andi, which means crazy-eyes Nikki gets the solo date. The show was probably worried if she didn’t get the one-on-one, she’d smother another girl in her sleep. Little did they know they need to watch out for Andi in that regard. And she’s a prosecutor, so she knows how to get away with it, too.

Anyway, the group date is taking these adorable circular bamboo boats out onto the water — but they have to pair up and — wouldn’t you know it! — Clare gets Juan Pablo. Why? Because nobody partnered up with her because nobody likes her very much. Now that she’s paddling around with JP they like her even less.

And then stupid JP starts kissing her in their boat. Again, with the barn-door-horse-kissing problem. Guess Clare doesn’t count because he has already kissed her? But it’s kind of rude to do it in front of the other women. Andi’s ready to throw down, y’all, while Chelsie hilariously says, “I’ve had a really great date today, but thanks to Clare, my date has been with Alli. Juan Pablo’s been, like, around my date, but me and Alli have had a really romantic morning.” Tee hee.

Then it’s time to pay for that expensive suite at the Intercontinental by putting the ladies to work in the fields. Maybe Juan Pablo is footing the bill.

Cassandra talking-heads, “There’s just rows and rows of produce and vegetables and lemongrass and mint and basil and all sorts of yummy stuff. I’ve never seen anything like this, really. It’s a big community and they all work together, and I was telling the girls we should have this back in America.”

Sounds like free spirit Lucy should take Cassandra to her commune.

Andi continues to pout about not getting a solo date, and she complains to Juan Pablo a little. He reassures her by saying “trust me” and apparently those are the magic words because she completely melts. It’s weird. He didn’t say “marry me.”

When they get to eat the fruits of their labor for lunch, there are some pointed comments made toward JP and Clare kissing in the weeds during the boat ride. The comments continue that evening during the cocktail hour when JP takes Clare off for alone time first. Kelly says, “Should we just take the rose down there and give it to her?” We like Kelly, gotta say. She’s funny.

clare the bachelor 'The Bachelor': Juan Pablo crushes Clare after a romp in the oceanAs the girls continue to make fun of Clare, Juan Pablo takes her to his suite and they go swimming. Wow, dude. This really is like you have eight other people tagging along on your solo date with Clare.

Sharleen takes her alone time, once they can finally wrench Juan Pablo away from Clare’s mouth, and says in an interview that she wants JP to see her as “the panda in a room full of brown bears,” which might be our favorite analogy ever used on this show. We would never think to describe the group of women as “brown bears.” Heh.

Cut to an interview with doubting Andi, who does not curry favor when she says, “I mean, literally it is gut-wrenching at times to see these girls have one-on-one time with Juan Pablo.” Nope, sorry. Your guts are not literally being wrenched from your body.

Also, it must not be too gut-wrenching because you immediately go down to the beach and suck face with JP, Andi. Is she one of the six? What’s happening here? Did JP just add another horse to the stable?

At the end of the night, Clare gets the rose. Surprise, surprise. The girls are not pleased and Andi is livid. If there wasn’t a no-hitting rule, she would totally punch Clare.

Speaking of Clare, she sneaks back up to his suite that night and they go for a 4 a.m. swim in the ocean. She says in an interview that they just “went for it” and that it was “pure bliss in every way,” then she compares herself to a baby giraffe with wobbly legs. Did they have sex? Clare is certainly alluding to some sexy time, even if that’s not precisely what happened.

Nikki’s Date

In a pre-date interview, Nikki talks about how she “always” gets the rose on the group dates. Is she possibly setting herself up to not get the rose on the solo date? The editors on this show love stuff like that.

Their date is spelunking into a cave called “Hell,” which Nikki is a little nervous about. But she’s “ready to take risks for love” and then says, “I’ll either live or I’ll die or I’ll poop my pants.” Honestly, she could easily do that last one while doing either of the first two.

Then: “This is a lot like falling in love because you’re trusting the other person and you have very little control.” Drink!

Halfway down, with their “lives in the balance,” if Nikki is to be believed, Juan Pablo kisses her. She was one of the six, so she’s grandfathered in to the whole kissing rule.

Later, their dinner is in a different cave that is decidedly prettier than Hell. Nikki slowly worms her way back into our hearts by talking about how everybody has their flaws, but you have to recognize them and work on them. She then says she decided to go to nursing school after working at a hospital as a care assistant and talks very passionately
about her job, which is cool. She cries talking about how some sick kids are the most joyful people and there’s so much hope inside them, it’s really great. She gets the rose, of course. They make out a lot while the dramatic, romantic music swells.

More of this Nikki, less of crazy, jealous Nikki, please. We’re considering coming in off the Team Nikki bench.

Cocktail Party

The girls get to take a boat to the party, and it’s gorgeous. But the wind is taken out of everyone’s sails when JP reveals three of them are going home. There are only 11 women and three already have roses, so that only leaves five roses to hand out. We’ll predict right now that Alli and Danielle are heading home, and maybe Kelly. They have all had very little time with JP.

In a very telling toast to kick off the party, Clare says, “Cheers to finding love, being loved and making love.” They totally did it, you guys.

But before we can revisit that, Juan Pablo kisses Renee for the first time and she freaks, squealing and spinning around in a circle — though she does that privately, thank goodness. Also, that’s seven, JP.

Then we get the JP-Clare showdown they’ve been teasing. He says he feels like it was unfair to the other girls, but “what happened, happened.” This weirdly makes Clare cry. He’s just saying that they shouldn’t have gone sneaking off behind the other girls’ backs. Clare says it’s not about being fair, it’s about your heart. This part of the conversation does not set off any red flags for us.


JP then gets to the real problem, which is that he has a daughter and he’s regretting what happened with them in the ocean: “I don’t want her to see what happened. If she sees it, I don’t think it’ll be that nice.”

Clare starts crying and says she never meant to disrespect his daughter and this conversation smacks of them having had sex and now he regrets it. The fact that he’s regretting it is embarrassing for Clare because now she feels like a big ol’ slut on TV (not that we at all think she’s a slut or behaved sluttily, just that it seems like she thinks that).

clare crying the bachelor 'The Bachelor': Juan Pablo crushes Clare after a romp in the oceanClare affirms that feeling for us when she talking-heads that she thought Juan Pablo was “on board” with everything that happened in the ocean. Yeah, this is pretty sucky for Clare. It seems as though JP felt like he needed to do some damage control after their ocean sexy time and it is hurting her feelings and making her feel rejected and ashamed, which she has no reason to feel.

JP is foisting his feelings of guilt about the fact that he’s canoodling with all these women and he has a young daughter at home onto Clare. And that is NOT on her, that is his deal and it’s gross to have that heaped onto her.

If his only point had been that they shouldn’t have had special private time because it wasn’t fair to the other girls and let’s not do that again because it’s not right — that would’ve been fine. That is totally valid. But it wasn’t about that at all.

Clare nails it when she says if Juan Pablo didn’t think it was right to go off into the ocean together, he should have said as much and she would’ve respected that. Yep. He’s having buyer’s remorse and he’s making you miserable as a punishment, Clare-bear. Yuck.

Meanwhile, Andi is rankled because Clare already has a rose and got to spend the most time with JP during the cocktail party. Oh, sweetie, if you only knew. Also, stop being crazy.

Rose Ceremony

The roses go to Clare, Nikki and Renee (already had) and then Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat and Andi get roses, which means Alli, Danielle and Kelly are going home. Nailed it. Sorry to see you go, Kelly. You’re really funny.

Next week: New Zealand! Horses! It looks like Andi finally gets her one-on-one, while Clare continues to have an issue with what happened with Juan Pablo in the ocean, plus, is Sharleen leaving?! Better not.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."