David_thebachelorette_s5_290 Tonight on “The Bachelorette,” Jillian takes her 13 potential beaus to Vancouver, finds out about some shady dealings and sends Dave home! YAY!

Chris informs the Bachelors that there is one solo date, one group date and one dual date, where one guy stays and one guy goes. He also tells them to pack their bags for Vancouver. That would be fun, I’ve heard Vancouver is beeyootiful.

Jillian greets the men at the hotel looking super cute in a retro-y dress and introduces them to their hotel suite, which is quite a step up from the bunk house. She leaves them with a date invite and bids them adieu. The card says that Kiptyn gets the one-on-one date. Everybody seems very happy for him, which says a lot about him as a person. He and Jake get excited that finally they met a girl who wants a “nice guy.” Jake’s comment about girls liking “edgy bad-boys” is played over a shot of Wes peeking into the supper buffet. Well played, editors. Well played.

The solo date goes really well. I like Kiptyn a lot, he seems genuinely sweet. They go kayaking to the market to get stuff for dinner, then go back to her place to cook dinner. What a great date! At the market, she gives Kiptyn a list of things to pick up and everything just seems really natural. It almost takes me out of the idea that this is a reality show that never spawns love. Which is saying a lot, because I’m a jaded, jaded girl. Haha.

They feed some birds down on the wharf (tuppence a bag) but have to run before it turns into a scary Hitchcock situation. There’s a big difference between going down to the park to feed the ducks and throwing bread to an angry hoard of disease-carrying wharf pigeons. Ew.

Dinner goes really well, they smooch and drink wine and cook, it’s so cute. There’s some after-dinner chit-chat and some pretty hot kissing, then Kiptyn gets his rose (natch) and there are some more smoochies. Yay Kiptyn!

Hotel Suite. The group date card arrives. It is Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Ed, Michael, Reid, Juan and Dave. The two-on-one date is Mark and Mike. We haven’t seen much of Mark, which means not much interaction with Jillian, which means I’m pegging him to go home.

On the group date, Jillian takes the guys curling. They are divided into teams of 5, with the winners getting to continue on the date and the losers going back to the hotel. The teams are Blue Team of Tanner, Wes, Ed, Reid and Michael vs Red Team of Jake, Juan, Dave, Jesse and Robby. My understanding of curling is basically shuffleboard-meets-sweeping-the-floor, so I can’t tell you which team is “good,” but the Red Team wins, largely due to Jesse’s apparent aptitude for curling. Oh, and: Dave’s ugly competitive side shows a little. Surprise, surprise.

The five guys and Jillian head to a boat for drinks and a crab dinner. Who has no crab, two thumbs and is jealous? THIS GIRL. Jake and Jill take alone time in… is that the bridge? My nautical vocabulary is lacking. The topic of conversation is Jake’s perfectness. Seriously, he’s like a well-spoken (hopefully anatomically correct) Ken doll or something. He’s worried that being “too perfect” will get him eliminated because that’s been a problem with past girlfriends. Awww, poor guy. Somehow he manages to convey this to us without coming across as a pompous jerk, which is nice.

Jesse’s alone time is in some bedroom on the boat. Woo woo. She reassures him that he’s here for a reason and not just because of luck or something. I was wondering about that because we haven’t seen him interact with her hardly at all. He goes in for a kiss and she kisses him back, it’s a good deal. Yay Jesse. He gets the rose later, by the way, but there is much to say about Dave, so I’m getting that out of the way now.

Dave takes his alone time and harps on the First Impression Rose because it’s the only thing he has going for him. He then veers into complimenting her ass in spandex at the curling match, which is skeazy. Seriously, it comes off so lecherous. Is he drunk? Also, he keeps dropping words that have to get bleeped/blurred and it is clearly turning Jillian off.

Dave goes in for a kiss and gets turned down, so he puts the pressure on, saying he’s never been turned down for a kiss before. I can categorically say that is a lie. Getting kisses by force doesn’t count, you freak psycho. He then says that she’s kissed everybody else. Nothing like a guy who gets turned down and then lashes out by calling you a slut. He reaches down to adjust her blouse and Jillian practically jumps off the couch. Seriously, he’s an asshole exhibiting signs (both in this ep and previously) of having anger issues and possibly some date-rapey qualities. He then talking-heads that “She is in to me … setting me up like that and then turning the cheek on me is challenging me.” DATE RAPIST. “She wants it, she’s just holding back.” Gross gross gross.

Dual Date. Mark and Mike go on a helicopter ride with Jillian, but Mike sits in the middle (by virtue of being the heaviest, I’m assuming, since that’s how it went on the ride my parents went on), so he’s next to Jillian and Mark is the odd man out. They then have dinner at this beautiful hotel lodge and it’s so painfully obvious that Mark is just… there. However, he really opens up during his alone time and manages to pull it out. I was very surprised, y’all. Farewell, Mike.

Cocktail Party. Reid has some alone time and talks about the cliques forming between the guys. Jillian says she wants to see it and Reid says that everybody is different when she’s not around. He doesn’t name-names, though, booooo. He does mention Wes in a talking-head, though.

This leads into a Jake talking-head about Wes having one side he shows to Jillian and one side he shows to the guys. Everybody seems to know that he’s there for the wrong reasons. Wes gets his alone time while the other guys talk about how he has a girlfriend back home. Oh man, that is so crappy. I don’t care if it is silly reality TV, that’s so crappy. Meanwhile, he tells Jillian that he’s only had 3 girlfriends and he’s never cheated. Does kissing not count anymore? Did I miss that memo?

In the house, Reid, Juan, Ed and Tanner talk about how Wes and Dave are bad news. Well, one of you should man up and tell her!

Jake’s alone time is kind-of sad because he’s so worried about being eliminated because he’s “too perfect.” Jillian told him to “be himself” and he IS being himself. He also warns her about how there are great guys on the show and some guys who really aren’t there for the right reasons.

Tanner P acts like he’s going to grow a pair and tell Jillian, but he doesn’t. He beats around the bush a little, but then says that some guys have girlfriends. He STILL doesn’t name-names, which is SO crappy. You can’t tell Jillian that and then not tell her who it is.

So Jake, Tanner P and Reid have all told her that there are some skunks in the group, but NO ONE will tell her who they are! That drives me crazy! Jillian confronts the group and calls off the cocktail party. Robby and Michael are pissed because they didn’t get a chance to talk to her and some douche screwed it all up for the rest of them.

At the Rose Ceremony, Chris and Jillian demand the truth before she gives out any roses. Finally, Jake pipes up and says that he’s here to find love and that he’s pissed if
somebody is there with a girlfriend. He then says, “Be a man and step up.” Robby tries to make his case about getting screwed over tonight and calls the guy with the girlfriend a coward. The guys start turning on each other a bit and Dave brings up “snitching.” Of course he does. Of course he would go with the “bros before hos” mentality. He thinks they should all be mad at whoever told Jillian about the girlfriend thing, not the actual guy who has a girlfriend. You know, Man Code stuff. I hate him so much.

Rose Ceremony (for real this time). Jesse, Mark and Kiptyn already have roses. Seven are being given out. I have to say, I only want to see two guys go home (Dave and Wes) but I know they won’t, which means I’m going to be mad. Bah. The roses go to Reid, Robby, Ed, Michael, Wes (gross), Jake, and Tanner. Juan and Dave are cut at the same time, which is funny.

But more importantly: DAVE IS GONE, DAVE IS GONE. He can go out into the real world and date rape more women. He asks Jillian why he didn’t get a rose and she says, “This wasn’t right.” His deluded little mind talking-heads that he asked her “why” and she said, “I don’t know.” NO SHE DIDN’T. I heard her! She said that it “wasn’t right.” He then also thinks that Juan threw him under the bus and that he’s only going home because somebody told her something about him. Yeah, it couldn’t possibly be because you’re a giant douchebag. That couldn’t be it. Guys like Dave, just giant jerks with no self-awareness, make me sick.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."