bachelorette emily kalon 'The Bachelorette': Emily loses her mind over Kalon's 'baggage' commentIt’s London, baby! “Bachelorette” Emily and Ricki traipse around London – “it’s so old.” Which is true, but also a hilarious way to say it. The shots of the city are making me … homesick (?), whatever the word is, because I studied in London one year and it was amazing. Favorite city, easily.

Sean’s Date

Cutie blonde Sean gets the first date and he and Emily tour London in their own double-decker bus. Hmm. I would poke fun at such a tourist-y thing to do, but I really enjoyed my double-decker bus tour. Emily espousing details like a tour guide is a little weird – is the London Visitors Bureau making her do that as part of the deal. They are kind of big dorks wandering the city.

Meanwhile, back in the hotel, Kalon and Jefffff are annoyed they are perpetual group-daters. Then Kalon cracks that pretty much any date is going to be a group date – you, Emily and Ricki. The way he says it is a little d-baggy, but Jeffff gets mad like Kalon said something like, “I wanna punch that little Ricki right in the throat.” It was a joke. Not the best joke ever, but it didn’t seem malicious. But yes, he also doesn’t seem super-pumped about inheriting a kid – he never has.

When Sean and Emily get to … is it Caller’s Square? (Speaker’s Corner, I was close) and Sean gets up there and talks about love. If this is for real off-the-cuff and he just got up and did that, that’s pretty cool. Takes balls to just get up there and say anything, let alone talk about mushy stuff. Hopefully that was not tooooo production-arranged.

They dine that night at the Tower of London, which is not just one tower, it’s a fort, really, and it’s cool as heck. A beefeater lets them into the Wakefield Tower for dinner and Emily cracks about Henry VIII beheading two wives at the Tower of London, which – heh.

They talk about mushy stuff, it’s kinda boring. Sean reveals he wants kids, blah blah. He honestly seems great, but the chemistry between them isn’t exactly lighting the screen on fire. They go make out by the Tower Bridge (that is not, contrary to popular belief, the London Bridge. The original London Bridge was demolished, the replacement is in Arizona and the current one is super-ugly. The Tower Bridge is the cool-looking one). Anyway, Sean gets the rose.

Group Date

Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and Kalon get the Group Date. The quote on the card is “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” which the guys don’t know is Shakespeare until (probably) some PA off-camera whispers it to them. *sigh* Really? Nobody just knew that was “Romeo and Juliet”? That’s sad, guys.

The Group Date goes to Stratford-On-Avon, which is Shakespeare’s birthplace. It’s a neat tourist spot – as Emily tells us, like the good little tourist guide she is. She also reveals the guys have to do scenes from “Romeo and Juliet” for the date.

I just have to share this anecdote from high school – in 9th grade, we’re reading “R&J” and “West Side Story” out loud in English class and this one guy, Sean, is reading the part of Chino, who is the Shark that tells Maria her brother is dead after the rumble. And he’s supposed to scream at her, “He killed your brother” and Sean just says it, totally blah, and the teacher tells him to use more passion and he says it again, slightly less blah, and she vigorously tells him to use more passion and he says it again and it’s still blah and she yells, “MORE PASSION” and from out of nowhere, Jared, this kid in the back of the class who had probably said three words all semester, yells at the top of his lungs, “HE KILLED YOUR BROTHER” and goes, “That’s how you do it, man.” And it’s just deafening silence in the room, everyone jaws agape. And Jared just sits back down and continues to be quiet as a mouse all semester. Probably doesn’t translate here, but it was the most hilarious thing.

Anyway. The guys, well, some are better than others. Kalon is pretty solid, but he should totally be Paris. The four Romeos are Alejandro, John, Ryan and Kalon. Meanwhile, Arie and Doug are the Nurse. Heh.

The guys give it their all and seem to be having fun, so that’s cool. I think this would be a ball, but I’m a theatre nerd, so … doing Shakespeare was one of my most fun play experiences ever (“Midsummer,” what-what!).

Ryan and Kalon are actually decent – they seem to know what they’re saying and are into it. But Ryan is insisting Emily kissing him during the death scene is a big, lingering kiss, which – not exactly. But then Kalon shooes Emily away by telling her to “run along” while she interrupts their rehearsal. Dude. WTF is your problem? I’ve been a big defender of Kalon’s edit so far this season, but this episode is all him. He’s being a total word-I-can’t-use-here.

Arie is freaking out about his nurse-playing, while Doug is all, “I’m going to be the best damn woman I can be.” Good for him.

Kalon takes it a little too seriously – he got the big romantic meeting scene and is way too stiff. Meanwhile, Doug totally rocks his Nurse part. And the sword-fighting scene is alright. And then Aria takes the stage and throws himself into it, it’s pretty funny.

Ryan gets the death scene and he’s terrible, he and Emily can’t stop giggling. Plus, he prefaces it with “Arie has to sit there in his woman dress sand I get a kiss this time.” He might as well whip it out and flop it on the stage. He’s such a jerk.

That night, at the pub, Arie gets some real smooches, so take that, Ryan! And as far as chemistry goes, Arie definitely is leading the pack.

Then Ryan takes his alone time and gloats about a stage kiss, which he kind of forced on Emily per the script, and then he says that “one way or another” the night is ending with a kiss. Well, way to sound like a date rapist, dude. I’m not say you are one, but seriously – could you be creepier? Oh! Turns out he can be.

He pulls Emily off into a red-curtained room and when she calls him “trouble,” he says (verbatim), “In my experience, when a girl tells you you’re trouble and she smiles when she says it, I think sometimes she wants to get in trouble.” OK, see previous paragraph about what you sound like.

He gives Emily a turquoise necklace and she says it’s such a surprise “for so many reasons,” which I take to mean – “I didn’t know you could do anything that wasn’t gross and creepy!”

Now the baggage thing starts and isn’t it convenient we don’t get to actually see the “baggage” conversation – we just hear it via Chris. And I predicted weeks ago that probably Kalon was making an off-handed comment about baggage in general and Ricki got included and since it’s not actually on air, I suspect I’m right because if it was malicious, the show would’ve shown it.

And guess what? Ricki is baggage. Everybody has baggage and Emily’s is that the spectre of a dead fiance will always be around, especially because his daughter is alive and naturally should know about her real father. But that’s a crapload of baggage. It’s not like Ricki is so little that she’ll think of new guy as her dad – she’ll remember a time when it was just her and her mom. So there’s a lot to deal with. And since the show isn’t showing the “baggage” comment, it probably was a lot more innocuous than it will be made out to be by the other guys.

Not saying Kalon’s a prince – he’s not. The way he’s spoken to Emily a couple times would have been enough for me to kick him out there just for being a disrespectful, smarmy jerk. But the “baggage” comment is bei
ng trumped up.

And naturally, guess who reacts the strongest to it? Doug. And you know why? Because HE has a lot of baggage too, folks. A kid and an ex are baggage. They just are. Doug says if someone called Austin baggage, he’d throw them on the floor. Well, step right up, Doug. I’m pregnant and I still like my chances against you.

Guess what else is baggage? Upbringing, past relationships, parents, kids, ex spouses, or baby mamas or daddies. They’re all baggage. It’s like – they’ve all just been WAITING for something to pounce on Kalon about because they don’t like him.

Kalon won’t apologize for it, so Ryan calls it “uncalled for” and Doug swears a lot and then Doug tattles to Emily. This is just like that “being away from your son” confrontation at the pool – does this hit too close to home for you, Doug?

Also, Doug is the one who tells Emily? That’s so weak. Because by now it’s a like a damn game of telephone, so when Doug just lays it out there, “One of the guys referred to Ricki as ‘baggage,'” we don’t actually know if that even happened. Because when Chris first brought it up, he said that Kalon said Emily “had a lot of baggage.” Saying she has baggage and specifically calling Ricki baggage are two different things (though I don’t see either one as being like the WORST thing that has ever happened).

Frankly, Kalon telling me he likes it when I talk, but can he finish, or shooing me away by saying “run along” is A LOT worse than commenting on my baggage. And Emily has a buttload of baggage, since every montage, interview, talking-head, etc. on the show espouses her sob story. That is A LOT to walk into for a guy.

Emily says she’s angry and of course she is, because Doug presented it in a very negative way. She also says she’ll never let anyone speak ill of Ricki – that right there is her assuming the premise of the question. He didn’t speak of ill of Ricki, he said Emily has a lot of baggage.

Doug practically posses-up with Emily, asking her if she wants to go out there and deal with it. He’s such a snake-in-the-grass. Kalon can take a hike, but Doug can take a hike too and he’s almost worse because he hides behind this self-righteous I’m-a-great-dad holier-than-thou schtick and at least Kalon owns his d-bagness.

The big confrontation starts and Doug is leading the charge for Emily, because of course he is. And Kalon explains that “baggage” means a part of her life and a responsibility and Emily kind of loses her mind. She is immediately equating “baggage” with, like, “burden” or something. Look, lady, not every guy is going to see you have a kid and think, “Oh, what a blessing.” These guys don’t even KNOW Ricki yet. And Emily is not giving Kalon a chance to explain himself, because she’s so mad (because of Doug’s presentation of this) that she can barely see straight.

The fact that Emily doesn’t have the self-awareness to admit that she does have baggage is kind of staggering, though it really shouldn’t be, coming from someone talking about how if you don’t think her kid is a blessing, you don’t deserve to go on a date with her. Well, good luck finding someone who will call a kid he has never even MET a “blessing” and actually meaning it.

When Kalon admits he said it and tries to explain himself, Emily has a right little snit fit and storms off, ending the conversation. Because guess what? She doesn’t have a leg to stand on, she’s being irrational and maybe she should take a look at why it upset her so much – because you DO have baggage and you can’t admit it and instead prefer to pretend like every guy should fall down on his knees and thank God that you have a kid whose real dad is dead, because yeah, that’s a great situation to step into.

Sorry, gang. No sympathy for Emily. Kalon’s a jerk, but THIS situation was totally ridiculous, drummed-up drama and the fact that the show didn’t broadcast the “baggage” conversation means it wasn’t nearly as bad as it sounds like. But, at least Doug revealed himself to really be a total whiny word-I-can’t-print-here.

Emily is also RIDICULOUSLY putting this off on the guys – why didn’t you tell me sooner, why didn’t you fight for me? It sounds like most of them didn’t know about the “baggage” comment until tonight. What were they supposed to do? And also, to the few guys who were there, what were they supposed to do? They probably all AGREE WITH HIM. It’s a huge amount of baggage, lady.

Except Saint Doug, of course. He probably would’ve snapped and ripped Kalon’s still-beating heart out of his chest. And then eaten it.

Jeffff’s Date

Emily and her babysitting charge for the afternoon (seriously, she looks 32 and he looks 20) have tea at the Chiswick House … and an etiquette lesson from a stiff old lady. Nothing sexier than that. But the completely-believable-and-not-at-all rebellious exit lets them go to a pub for a pint and some fish and chips. Mmmm, that is making me hungry.

Jeffff then confesses to sitting there while Kalon said Emily comes with a lot of baggage and Jeffff acts like he (kind of) stood up to Kalon and then says if Ricki is baggage, than she’s a Chloe handbag, which … Jeffff is apparently more of a woman than I am.

Emily likes the way Jefff puts that, which – of course you did, because “baggage” isn’t always negative, is it? Especially when not presented by Saint Doug. She also calls Kalon a “terrible human being,” which – maybe, but not for why you think so.

That night, they go on the London Eye for drinks and Jefff says he hopes to take the relationship to the next level – and his voice manages not to crack. I’m assuming he means first base, just btw.

As part of his plan, Jeffff gushes compliments at Emily. It’s kind of gross. Meanwhile, she says it took all she had not to take out her earrings and go off on Kalon, West Virginia-style, which – now THAT would’ve been awesome, but I’ll believe it when I see it, Ems.

Jeff gets the rose. Duh. He still wusses out on kissing her while they’re on the giant ferris wheel. But finally on the banks of the river Thames, he babbles a bit and then kisses her and yep, it looks likes he’s kissing his mom. It’s like when Lorraine kisses Marty in “BTTF,” y’all.

Cocktail Party

Emily decides it’s the Spanish Inquisition time for the guys, since nobody rode in on his white horse and punched Kalon out. Or something. It’s kind of gross. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore” – BS. You want to talk and talk and be told how great and awesome you were and be reassured you don’t have baggage and make sure the guys know how important you are and be told how thrilled they are about the kid they haven’t even met yet and blah blah blah.

Ryan takes his alone time to read the balcony scene with Emily and explain it to her, like a good man should. *eyeroll* And Emily eats it up, it’s super gross. Nooooo, Emily! No.

Rose Ceremony

So, only one guy is leaving tonight and I have to feel like it’s Alejandro – he’s like a nonentity, right? Nothing against the guy, or anything. Roses go to Jeffff, Sean (already had) and Doug, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis and … Arie. They try to make us think like she’s reconsidering Arie, but she’s totally not. Not they way they suck face.

And you can tell Alejandro was a nonentity by the way he tells Emily it was great meeting her and she doesn’t walk him out. They barely knew each other, gang.

Next week
: Croatia, castles and more kissing. And someone is “competing” for Emily the trophy – as she demands to know who isn’t “all about her.” Oh dear.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."