It’s here! The moment we’ve … been wondering about all week, actually. How is “The Bachelorette” finale going to play out?
Surely Desiree is going to cut Chris and Drew loose, right? It would be in pretty poor form to try to “pick” one of them when we’ve all seen she thought Brooks was the one. Even within the contrived construct of this show, to borrow a Desiree metaphor, nobody wants to be second place in the relay race of love, plus how un-romantic would that be, if she actually chose one of the other two?
So, is Brooks coming back? Probably. But should he? Should she even take him back? We’re inclined to say no, because, what, did his heart magically change over the 24 hours he was gone? We’ll find out — on the “shocking conclusion” during the “live television event of the summer.”
Well, sure, ’cause “Under the Dome” doesn’t air live.
We re-join sad Desiree in Antigua (the island of heartache and tears), where she says she’s blindsided and heartbroken. Chris Harrison stops by, with his piercing blue eyes and sympathetic looks. Oh, Chris Harrison. You’re who I’d want to cry to, if I got jilted by my no. 1 boyfriend.
Harrison tries to talk to her about picking one of the remaining two guys, and I suppose they have to talk about this, but … that’s a little unseemly, right? She can’t possibly pick one of them after this. What would she say? “Well, I loved Brooks, but you’re swell too, so let’s get pretend-engaged and act happy until our break-up is featured on the cover of US Weekly in three months.”
If I were one of the guys left, I’d be like, “Can’t I just be the next ‘Bachelor’?”
But instead we’re going to have a Rose Ceremony, and Desiree declares she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. Hmmm.
The guys arrive and Desiree tells them about Brooks leaving, then GIVES THEM ROSES, OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING. Um, we saw the footage! You said Brooks is the guy for you and that, basically, Chris and Drew are not. What is this. Also, is it telling that she goes to Chris first for a hug? If anybody wins, it’s him over Drew.
Back in the studio, Harrison wonders if it’s too late for Desiree to find love with someone who is not Brooks and to that, I give a resounding, “YES.” If she does manage to choose one of the other guys and they’re together, what does she say when they watch this back? “Um, I came around to loving you.” “That’s so sweet, honey, let’s put that in our vows.”
After commercial, Harrison asks the audience, “Who thinks that Brooks comes back tonight?” and everybody who has ever watched TV in their entire lives goes, “Woooo!” And to the one lady in the audience, do not mistake bad poetry for communication, OK?
One girl hilariously says the word “fake” in reference to Desiree saying she loved Brooks and now going back to the other guys. Hey lady, are you at all familiar with this show?
It would’ve been amazing if during Harrison’s impromptu poll, he was like, “Who thinks she’ll end up alone?” and like one person goes, “WOOOOOOOO!”, arms raised in the air.
Desiree is still hopeful that she’ll find sparks with Drew. Here’s a tip — if they weren’t there before, they aren’t going to be there now, no matter how much you say “Antigua.” It’s not the love version of Beetlejuice.
Does Drew ping anybody’s gaydar? I don’t like to speculate because obviously if a guy is on this show and he’s gay, he’s not being honest with himself. But I’ve seen a lot of chatter about that online. It could explain the completely lack of spark I see between him and Desiree.
Anyway, thankfully the date doesn’t get farther than a horse ride and a sip of wine before Desiree dumps Drew (which is a very abbreviated way of summing up something that takes like 15 minutes of airtime).
It’s hard for me to hear Dez because of the crashing waves, but the gist seems to be — I love you as a friend, but not in the way where we have sexytime.
Drew says he’s confused, which — that’s just tee-ing up an easy joke based on the internet chatter. Either way, Drew’s going home.
Now it’s Chris’ turn to get his heart stomped on. As they sail around on a catamaran, they realize that us viewers haven’t been drinking enough at home and say “Antigua” a bunch of times in quick succession. Thank goodness, I was feeling so sober.
After commercial, Desiree sagely tells us, “Sometimes life is hard to accept,” referring to how drastically her journey with Chris changed today. So, in the course of one day you went from loving Brooks to loving Chris? WTF. This is bonkers, even for this show.
In Chris’ hotel suite, Dez says that she wants Chris to meet her parents, so this is happening, apparently. Then, I swear to God, Desiree says this: “In my life, I never had any guy care as much to want to ask me to meet my family. I mean, that just reiterates exactly where Chris is and where he wants to be. It’s amazing.”
What does that even MEAN?
Then Chris gives her a journal (didn’t he already do that? Or was that Zakkkkkk?). And he has written out his poetry to her in the back of the journal. So, we’ve got those preserved for posterity, in case anybody was worried.
Desiree then breaks our heart a little bit because despite the fact that she’s not in love with Chris (we know she’s not, let’s all be adults), she’s so touched to be the person receiving Chris’ love and all this wonderful attention. I hear ya, girlfriend. One relationship left me so damaged and scarred that I almost settled for the next relationship, someone I was not in love with, just because he was so wonderful and treated me so well.
And it’s not about “settling,” as in he’s not a great guy. Because he is a terrific guy. So is Chris. But it was settling for me because of the not-in-love-with factor and that’s kind of what is going on here, I suspect.
Back from commercial, Harrison says that Desiree has “moved passed” Being in love with Brooks to fall in love with Chris. That … is NOT how it works, y’all. This is shenanigans.
The Live Show
Sean assures everyone that he and Catherine are getting married “soon,” and apparently, according to Harrison, they’re “doing good,” like Superman. *headsmack*
Catherine speaks some truth, saying that if Chris sees how much Desiree was into Brooks, he can’t possibly give his heart to her at this point. Preach, Catherine.
The other cast-offs say that Desiree was 100 percent into Brooks, but try to act like Desiree is falling for Chris now, like it’s been weeks in between the day Desiree got dumped and the day she “fell in love” with Chris. It hasn’t been a literal week, Lesley. Do you know how television works?
“Have you ever seen Dez so upset and cry so much?” asks Harrison. It would’ve been amazing if Lesley goes, “Oh yeah, she cries all the time. She’s a bit of a crier.” But anyway, then Harrison blames Sean for making Desiree cry while he’s sitting there with Catherine, like SHUT UP, HARRISON.
We get that you have to kill a lot of time during this finale, but seriously. This is the worst.
Desiree is going to introduce Chris to her family. Can her brother just lurk behind a pillar the whole time like a few episodes ago? That would be kind of amazing. But what actually turns out to be more amazing is that Chris wears sweatpants to meet her parents. Don’t put yourself out, dude.
Anyway, it’s a lot of boring blah blah. Nate is “as
king the hard questions,” according to Desiree, but it doesn’t really seem like he is. He’s being abrasive and forward, but he’s not asking unreasonable questions.
Chris then takes some alone time with Desiree’s dad and actually asks for Desiree’s hand in marriage, so. Hmm. As Harrison points out, Chris needs to know at some point that he’s her second choice. But at this point, he doesn’t know, so it’s nice that he’s all in? I guess? Dez’s dad gives his OK.
During Dez’s alone time with Nate, he point-blank asks if Chris is the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Her mealy-mouth answer is, “In this moment, yes.” Um, really? You’ve done a complete 180 on who you want to spend your life with? Also, what kind of an answer is that?
Nate then wonders about Brooks dumping her and she says, “I was hurt because I did put a lot in my relationship with Brooks. … Him leaving, it took a long time for me to give up on that.” So, what is “a long time”? Because it was like 24 hours ago.
The Final Day in ANTIGUA, subtitle it could be the best day of her life, or it could be the worst, thanks Chris Harrison
Chris confirms he is going to propose. Oh dear. Shouldn’t he get to see the Brooks break-up footage first? As he points out, he’s swimming in cold, uncharted waters.
Requisite Neil Lane pimping. Chris says he has to pick out a good ring because she has to want to wear it for the rest of her life — um, if you’re in love with someone, you will love and want to wear any ring he gives you.
As we watch Chris getting ready, he clearly does not know that Drew is already gone (up until now, I wasn’t sure). Hmm. And whatever you think about Desiree, girlfriend looks amazing in her peach gown. That dress is gorgeous and she looks stunning in it.
As she walks up to the dais, Desiree says that Chris deserves to know everything about Brooks before he proposes. She’s not wrong. Do you suppose there is a Sprint phone on the dais so that Chris can watch the footage standing right there?
He walks up and voiceovers that he would be “shocked” if something got in the way of what they have built. Prepare to be shocked, fella.
Chris starts literally recapping their dates to her — “I loved that one time we went on a date with six other dudes and you barely spoke to me” — and it’s the most boring, unromantic proposal ever. Is it just me? Or is this so awkward?
And then it gets MORE awkward as he tries to go down on one knee and she stops him because she has things to say. He’s so happy to hear that Drew left already and that he’s the only one who met her family, but he’s less excited to hear that Desiree loved Brooks. She then says, “I was blindsided by my feelings for Brooks that I couldn’t see the one thing I needed was right in front of me. And for that I am so grateful. I thank you every day for never giving up. … I love you, I love you so much.”
Hmm. I again posit that this is a situation of running from someone who was emotionally unavailable to a guy who acts like the sun rises and sets with you. But Chris proposes and Desiree accepts, so … Chris Siegfried and Desiree Hartsock are engaged! Tune into our “After the Final Rose” recap to find out if they’re still going strong.