frank craig bachelorette 'The Bachelorette': Frankie goes to Hollywood, Craig goes to BullytownNow that “Bachelorette” Ali has weeded out some of the crazies during the Meet n’ Greet, we can really get down to business with some actual dates.

Chris Harrison shows up to deliver some date news. The first one is a solo date for Frank and it says, “All signs point to love.” I hope they’re going to a psychic. Frank is psyched — “I either get a rose or I don’t.” It’s good you sussed out how the show works, Frank.

Frank’s Solo Date

They get to drive off in a teal vintage car that looks like a late 1950s Chevy convertible, but I cannot tell you the exact model. An Impala, maybe? Either way, it’s awesome. Until it conks out on the side of the highway. Oops. But Ali and Frank roll with it and just start walking to find a taxi. I hope somebody was coming back for the car! They get out on Hollywood Blvd and Ali is getting approached for pictures and autographs. Yikes. Frank’s totally into it, though, so it’s cool he’s a good sport. Though I’m not totally convinced ABC didn’t plant those people there to make it seem like Ali is America’s Sweetheart. Snort.

After the boulevard, they get to go up to the Hollywood sign. Frank says, “She pulls this key out of her pocket and we go busting in the gate.” Okay, seriously. Let’s not act like Ali boosted a key from somewhere. Can we all be adults and acknowledge that the show puts these things together? They don’t just magically happen to you.

Once at the sign, they just sit there and chat. They unfortunately do not make the sign say “W BEV HI 93,” which is a shame. Frank talks about following his heart and how he doesn’t put career before love, which is quite the life lesson for Ali. There is then some big sweeping Hollywood music while they make out. Woo woo.

Once it gets dark, Ali and Frank get to be back in their vintage car and then drive up to a look-out point where they get to drink champagne and eat snacks. That’s a pretty awesome date, there is even some shoo-wop ’50s music in the background. Love it. Frank gets a rose, of course, and it seems like solo date No. 1 went very well. 

Bachelor Pad

Craig R. (non-creepy Craig) and Justin are going at it because Craig doesn’t think Justin is there for the right reasons — because he lied by omission when he didn’t reveal he’s a pro wrestler. Uh, not to defend Justin because I’m not crazy about him either, but did you notice the reaction the guys had when Justin finally came clean about being a wrestler? It was like a testosterone bomb went off. I wouldn’t have admitted it right up front EITHER. Craig is so obnoxious, I actually shout, “Push him in the pool, Justin!” I wish he would’ve done that.

A group date invite arrives and Ty plays a mean joke on Jonathan when he says, “Jonathan … is NOT going.” Jonathan politely ha-has as the guys laugh at him, but you can tell he doesn’t like being picked on. Poor shortie. Anyway, the guys are Jonathan, Ty, Chris H., Kirk, Hunter, Tyler, Steve, Craig R., Chris N., Craig M., Justin and Kasey.

Craig M. immediately starts in on Jesse, saying something about his (I think) f-word tattoos and makes fun of his age, which is pretty rich coming from Old Man River. Jesse laughs it off, but once Craig won’t stop, he replies, “I don’t talk s***, I just hit,” which is a pretty great response because instead of sinking to Craig’s immature level, he just lets him know he better knock it off or he’s gonna lay him out. Easy peasy. It’s not like he hit him right off the bat. He just said stop being a d*** or I’ll knock yours in the dirt.

Craig’s scathing response is, “Huge rebuttal.” Because he knows Jesse would pound him and he also knows Jesse was the bigger person in that exchange. Craig can’t leave it alone, though, and goes after Jesse again in the kitchen. He gets in Jesse’s face about only being good-looking and having nothign else to say, and Jesse again tries to laugh it off and leave the situation and Craig pokes him AGAIN with an, “You gonna be okay with that?” Craig is, for all intents and purposes, flopping his manhood out on the kitchen island and Jesse, to his credit, is not rising to the bait.

Craig keeps after him, calling him young, which again — you look like you’re 45, dude. Shut it. Craig then is the first to initiate physical contact and he’s lucky Jesse didn’t just finish it then and there.

Craig is an insecure puke who thought he could assert his manhood by picking on the youngest guy. Thank god Jesse knows better. .Since he’d probably get kicked off the show if he actually did punch him, I hope Jesse figures out that he can push some of Craig’s buttons really easily. Talk about how effing old he is, how gross his hair is and how he seems slick like a used car salesman. Done and done.

Group Date

The group heads to a beach house in Malibu where Ali’s rocking a bikini top and some cargo pants. Dayum, girl. The guys are suitably ga-ga as well. The date is a photo shoot for a Hunky Men of “The Bachelorette” calendar for charity. The guys have to wear these teeny speedo-type suits. Yikes. Who wants to hang that on their wall? Not this girl.

Weatherman Jonathan is super nervous about it, but then he ends up looking totally fine in his suit. He’s so nervous about it that Steve has to actually tell him his “legs are fine” and that he “has a great ass.” Oh dear. Seriously, Jonathan. Rein in the insecurity a little. I know it’s nerve-wracking, but c’mon. Chin up, buckaroo.

The shoot starts and gross Craig gets to wear normal pants and a sweater. Uh, how is that fair? He also gets a glass of scotch and a cigar, which is appropriate since he’s like everybody’s mean grandpa.

The rest of the pictures involve push=ups, hula hoops, telescopes, pinwheels, a tug of war game. It seems like they’re having fun. Ty then whips out his guitar and plays a song for Ali. It’s better than “Love, It Don’t Come Easy.” But not by much. He says he could see “it” in Ali’s eyes. If by “it” you mean feigned interest and enjoyment, then yeah. I saw that too.

After the photo shoot, they head to a restaurant for cocktails and food. Ty takes alone time and he tells her that he was married before. So does he play his guitar for Ali because his ex-wife never wanted to listen to his guitar playing and he cries a lot about it? CoughTenleycough.

Jonathan rails in an interview about Craig being poison and says he might use his karate on Craig. Is anyone having flashbacks to Ross and his “eel roll” martial arts? Anyway, Jonathan butts in on Ty’s big marriage confessional. He lays it all out about Craig, calling him “dangerous” and “crazy” and “asking to be laid out.” Jonathan is clearly threatened by Craig, but I think Jonathan has him pegged. Craig would probably be exposed for the p**** that he is were anybody to actually step in his face for real, but I think Jonathan is 100% correct.

When Jonathan gets back, Craig starts running his mouth again. Seriously, he’s such a bully and somebody needs to just lay him out ONCE and he will stop. Argh.

Justin takes his alone time and Ali reassures him that she thinks he’s genuine and she cuddles up on him. Meanwhile, Craig M., Craig R., Kasey and, well, pretty much everybody bag on Justin while he’s gone. After Justin’s alone time, Ty is the guy who gets the rose on the group date.

Bachelor Pad

Chris L., Roberto, Jesse and John C. get a set of cuff links with the initials JB on them, which indicates that he is the person getting a date — because he bought his first suit for “The Bachelorette.” Okay, the cuff links thing is cool.

Jesse’s Solo Date

Okay, now tha
t we’ve seen his big shoulder tattoo, I will say it’s kind of silly-looking, but whatever. He seems like an alright dude and I’m with a guy who has many tattoos and he’s the best guy ever, so …. book, cover, all that.

For their date, they jet off to Las Vegas then drive to the strip in a bright red Ferrari. Awesome. They go to Liquid, a pool at the Aria hotel and apparently no one else has ever been there. They eat oysters and Jesse is not a fan, but he manages to make Ali crack up about it. He does seem good for her, he’s playful and being 24 is good because she’s 25 and she’s a fun girl, not some serious stodgy old maid.

After swim time, they get all gussied up and have a private penthouse dinner. Wow, that’s awesome. He isn’t exactly a wordsmith, but he seems earnest and sweet, so that’s cool. He talks about loving what he does as a wood-worker and Ali gives him a hug and the rose, but no smooch yet.

They head out to a nightclub called Haze and get a private concert by Jamie Cullum. Niiiiice. That’s great, I love his voice. They dance and it’s all very romantic. He goes in for his kiss and Ali seems pretty into it.

Bachelor Pad

They guys are talking about how if Jesse comes home with a rose, somebody should step up and leave. Craig of course says they should just throw the Weatherman out the door. Craig then puts on Jonathan’s clothes and asks if anybody’s seen his little brother. Jonathan is livid about it, but he has to roll with it because the other guys are laughing. Yuck. Craig needs to get punched.

Cocktail Party

Ali gets home from the Las Vegas trip and the cocktail party begins. Ali makes sure to take alone time with the guys who haven’t had any dates yet. Chris L. is first and he talks about his family and they bond over being from Massachusetts. 
Roberto is next and they just pay each other compliments and giggle for awhile. Heh heh. You can totally see the guys spying on them in the background. Geez, you creepers. Roberto then talks about how he played baseball in college and was drafted by the Rockies and Twins. WOW. That would win me over. So he and Ali play catch, which is awesome.

Frank takes some alone time, stealing her from Kasey, which annoys the guys and that’s fair. You already have a rose. Back off, dude. But he confesses to her that he feels like she’s his girlfriend already and it’s hard to watch her go on other dates. You can tell she loves it and they make out some more.

Back inside, guess who is stirring things up? Craig, surprise surprise. He’s teasing Jonathan again and Jonathan obviously hates it. Jonathan talks about it to Kasey and Frank and Craig eavesdrops, then comes sauntering over. Ali comes inside and Craig tries to get alone time with her, but she shuts him down and says she’s there for Jonathan. HA!

During alone time, Jonathan gets back on the Craig stuff and he looks like he’s about to cry. It’s hard to tell what Ali thinks, based on her reaction. But she takes some alone time with Craig and he says he’s having a good time and talks very fast and doesn’t seem that into Ali and is kind of dismissive and stand-offish. Ugh, get rid of him! He has nothing to say because he’s a total headcase who has no personality when he’s not picking on someone and trying to seem all tough.

Craig of course goes storming back in to the house to find out who called him “dangerous.” Jonathan tries to say it doesn’t matter who said it, which is NOT the right thing to say. You should’ve just lied, doofus. Jonathan just keeps digging himself deeper. Just lie, dude. Just to get him to leave you alone.

Craig then invokes the “if you’re a man” thing, just like bully Dave from Jillian’s season. UGH. I hate guys like that. Craig keeps at Jonathan, who either should’ve lied or just come clean. Good lord, dude. Jonathan, you look like a giant baby. I’m totally on your side, but man up.

Rose Ceremony

Three guys are going home tonight, dun dun dun. The guys who get roses are Frank, Jesse and Ty (already have them), then Kasey, Hunter, Roberto, Chris L., Justin, Steve, Kirk, John C., Craig R., Chris N. and Jonathan. YAY! Jonathan’s kind of weak, but a victory for Jonathan is a NON-VICTORY for gross, creepy Craig. So I’m on board.

Tyler V. is pretty surprised that he’s going home and he seems really sweet, so that’s a bummer for him. Craig M. is nice to Ali’s face, then takes a dig at Jonathan being short in his exit interview. Chris H. also went home, but he doesn’t warrant any camera time, I guess. That one’s a little surprising just because he’s really cute and some of the guys she kept are, well, not.

Thoughts & Tidbits

  • About saying last week that Kasey sounds like he has cotton in his throat. Somebody thought I was making fun of his hearing impairment. I assure you I would never do that. I maintain that Kasey just has a funny voice and I was making a joke. I asked several people and they told me they didn’t think he has any hearing problems, just that he has a weird voice. So that’s what that was about.
  • Don’t you keep expecting Craig M. to go, “That’s right, Ice Man. I am dangerous!”
  • Sorry this recap is so long, I just had lots of things to say about Craig M’s behavior.
  • It’s funny to me that Jesse reminds me of Eric Balfour, looks-wise, and Eric’s character on “Buffy” was … Jesse. Simpatico!
  • I hate bullies. I think Dave from Jillian’s season and Craig M. should be put in a room somewhere and Juan and Jonathan should each get to punch them once as hard as they can right in the face.

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credit: ABC

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."