bachelorette highland games 'The Bachelorette': Ryan desperately tries to talk his way into a roseWe meet up with “Bachelorette” Emily in Croatia, who says the city is like “stepping back into time.” Not stepping back IN time, mind you. INTO time. Like a puddle. She also babbles something about wanting to figure out the relationships she has “no clue about.” Um, you’re down to like eight dudes – there are ones you have NO clue about? That’s just poor time management right there.

But then again – Chris says, “It’s important to remind Emily who I am.” Snort. Well, yeah, if she doesn’t know who you are, that’s tough. Also, what the hell is going on with Ryan’s facial hair?! Did he not feel like the hair on his head was conveying sufficient d-baggity?

Travis’ Date

Remember, this is the guy who brought the ostrich egg the first night. Raise your hand if you’re pretty shocked he’s still around? They bounce around Dubrovnik for awhile – ice cream, some stupid rock, Emily treating him like a piece of meat, some production assistant in a costume playing a saw in an alleyway, it’s pretty boring/ridiculous.

Back at the Bachelor Posjed, the guys are discussing Travis’ romantic possibilities, but I am too distracted by the support tank Ryan stole from a 15-year-old girl to be listening very hard. Seriously, WTF? Is that what he wears under his clothes all the time? Because … wow.

At dinner, we’re completely bored watching them. Is it just me being cranky? Because these two are snooze-a-rama. Sean nailed it when he said he doesn’t see anything romantic between these two – definitely not.

And then Emily confirms it – she doesn’t give him the rose! Oooh, wow. But yeah, that is definitely the right decision. Travis is very sweet in his exit interview, crying about wanting to find someone. The dramatic umbrella toss was kind of silly though.

Group Date

John, Doug, Sean, Jeffff, Chris and Arie, which leaves Mr. Support Tank on the one-on-one. The activity for the fellas is seeing “Brave,” the product-placement movie they make them sit through, though the theater is admittedly amazing.

As they watch, Emily talks about how this kick-butt girl is what she wants herself and her daughter to be – um, then stop getting on the guys’ case about not stepping up to defend your honor with Kalon, blondie. Sure, she stepped up – but then she went all crazypants on the guys for not riding to the rescue, which is lame. And also, stop acting like you need so much flattery all the time, it’s not “Brave” at all.
Anyway, they make the guys put on kilt outfits and compete in the Highland Games for Emily’s heart. It involves bagpipes, donkeys and archery, which Emily is not actually bad at, though Arie has the bulls-eye touch. And then there’s Chris, who does have a bit of a weird stance, but at least the guys have the good graces not to call him derogatory gay names, which you can tell some of them are thinking (coughDougcough).

Caber tossing again sees Chris not quite measuring up, while Sean breaks his caber. SEAN SMASH! And the third activity is Maide Leisg, which is one-on-one tug of war with a stick. Chris picks Doug to go against and gets his butt handed to him once again. Poor Chris. Sean wins this one too, of course.

Chris does get the Bravery Cup, for trying so hard and having fun. Awww.

At the nighttime cocktail party, Arie takes Emily off for a walk to apologize for not standing up for her in London. And she confesses she held him to a different standard than everyone else – OK, “Brave” talk aside and being your own woman, that totally means she likes him the best. Because I have to say, in that situation, if there was one guy who I really liked, it would bother me more that he didn’t stand up for me, even if it is dumb and girly. That one I get, so maybe she should’ve just been honest and focused on it being the Arie factor and not that none of the guys stepped up and going after them like an interrogator.

Back at the Bachelor Posjed, Ryan gets ready for his date by manscaping and dancing around to “Old Time Rock ‘n Roll” in his underwear. OK, only the first one is true. But the second thing probably happens when there are no cameras around.

At the date, Jefff talks about how exciting it was to kiss his babysitter. And like, she gives him, like, the type of feeling that, like, people write, like, novels about and like, there could be, like, something really good with them. Seriously, these two are too much. At least Ryan and Emily, for all their gross flirting that borders on her being scared of him, don’t give me the ick feeling like I should call child services.

Anyway, the rose goes to Chris. It’s not enough he got the mug, huh?

Ryan’s Date

The guys are lambasting Ryan about how long it takes him to get ready and yes, he’s way too into that. But don’t hate on plucking his knuckle hair – my husband, after our first date when I expressed my dislike of feet, plucked his toe hair because he was afraid I’d see it and not like him anymore. Which I thought was the most adorable thing I’d ever heard. Ryan is not that, but I just wanted to share.

Emily arrives and Ryan is a total gomer in front of Emily and the guys. It’s miraculous they wait for them to leave before they start laughing at him. I love watching the guys talk together and make fun of Ryan, not only because Ryan sucks, but also because it’s fun to see them be friends. I like that about the “Bachelorette” seasons. It seems to happen more than on the “Bachelor” seasons.

Anyway, they get on a boat and do oyster shooters, which totally grosses Emily out. Oh, that’s a shame. I love oysters. Ryan looks like quite the fisherman in his distressed v-neck, too.

And then Ryan calls her a trophy wife again, which Emily just loves. And as they go to dinner, he talking-heads that she is definitely going to be someone’s trophy wife and he’s got a good shot at it being him. Dude, where are you from that you think a girl is going to like that?!  Even if she is kind of a trophy wife – ’cause let’s be honest, Emily is preternaturally well put-together, well-mannered and Southern, which spells trophy wife even if there is more going on with her than meets the eye.

Then at dinner, he says, “How are you going to say you don’t want to be a trophy wife and come looking like that?” What does that even MEAN? If a woman is pretty and looks nice, she’s just arm candy? He is gross. He tries to explain it’s cause she’s wearing gold and literally looks like a trophy, but I’m not so sure …

And now we get Ryan’s 12 Things He Looks for in a Wife: loyal, logical, encourager, faithful, nurturer, confident, magnetic, loves to laugh, assertive, unselfish, beautiful, sexy personality and eye-catching. To this, Emily says when she’s around him, she feels the need to be perfect. She doesn’t want to just fit into his mold.

And then she doesn’t give him the rose! AWESOME. Emily just gained some of the respect back she lost by acting like she liked this boob.

He is, of course, shocked and thinks she’s making the wrong choice. He thinks he’s just right for her, which really shows you how much attention he pays. He thinks he’s just right for her because he thinks he’s perfect and he only sees her as a perfect little blonde doll to cart around. I’m not saying Emily’s the catch of all time, but she is better than this dude and any fool with half a brain can see they have zero chemistry going on. Her “flirting” with him is because she’s too nice to flat-out reject his borderline-creepy comments.

He almost argues his way back into getting the rose, which – Emily. C’mon, sister. Send him home!
Ryan finally leaves and do you think he’ll be back for drama later in the season because she confesesd she’s not 100% sure? Ughhhh.

When the PA comes to get his bags, the guys are ecstatic, while Ryan thinks the guys will be shocked and that they built great friendships. As they show the guys high-fiving about it. Heh. He also says, “Losing sucks. No one wants to be a loser. You’re looking at a winner.” and that right there is the crux of the issue. It’s a competition for him and while we all know how silly this show is sometimes, if I were the girl, I wouldn’t want to be treated like a prize to be won, like that means you’re the best because you won me.

Ryan’s parting comment in the limo is that he hopes the editors do a good job and don’t make him look like an “arrogant a**.” Um, I’m aware of how reality show editing works, but honestly, you seem to have done that all on your own.

Arie’s Visit

At Emily’s hotel room that night, Arie drops by unexpectedly to chat. And he just keeps apologizing to her for not stepping up and she gives him Ryan’s rose, which is hilarious. They are seriously adorable together – just comfortable and easy and friendly, which is so important and it’s not the way she is with any of the other guys.

Cocktail Party

John shows Emily his grandparents’ funeral cards that he keeps in his wallet and he gets teared up, which is very sweet. We haven’t seen much of John, so it’s easy to see how he could get sent home.

Then Doug takes some alone time and his Humble Doug stuff makes me want to vomit. Emily says she wants Confident Doug and yeah, that’s what girls want. He also does not make a move on her. Oh, Doug. Don’t let the door hit ya.

Rose Ceremony

The roses go to Chris (already had), Sean, Jefff, Arie and … then Emily walks out before handing out the final rose. She goes to Chris Harrison and hands him the final rose, then fakes the guys out by acting like she couldn’t hand out the last rose, but Chris brings her two roses and she keeps them both. Hmph. Would’ve been awesome if she sent them both home.

Next week: Prague and lots of smooching. And Arie had a relationship with someone Emily knows?! Oh noes!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."