“The Bachelorette” has a bathhouse, olive oil wrestling and an underwear serenade! Sa?l???n?za!
The gang heads to Istanbul (not Constantinople) and it looks awesome. And then the editing wizards splice Ali saying that she has never felt better and that “nothing could go wrong at this point” with Chris Harrison’s knock on her door. Dun dun dun.
It’s the 11-minute opener that ABC made available last week — Ali gets a visit from Chris Harrison and a phone call from Jessie Sudilis (she’s going to be on “Bachelor Pad,” did you hear? And also, why does she take like 50 rings to answer the phone?). Jessie somehow knows Justin’s girlfriend in Toronto, Jessica, (DUN DUN DUN) who just found out that Justin has been cheating on HER with another girl (DUN DUN DUN) and that he’s only on “The Bachelorette” to get his foot (presumably the non-broken one) in the door of the entertainment industry (DUN DUN DUNNNNN).
(You guys can’t see it, but I have a “Phantom of the Opera”-esque organ set up in my apartment just for tonight’s episode and on every “dun dun dun” my boyfriend does some very dramatic chords.)
Raise your hand if you are shocked (SHOCKED) to find that gambling going on in here! Keep it raised if you totally buy Ali’s “stunned” face. However, things get SUPER AWESOME when Ali goes to confront Justin, which she does in front of everybody.
She asks him if he misses his girlfriend who lives in Canada (“oooohhhh, I wish you could meet my girlfriend, but you can’t because she is in Canada”) and Justin just leaves. The “like a giant p****” is left unsaid. The other guys are pretty indignant.
Now, don’t get me wrong, Justin is a scumbag but let’s not act like the pristine reputation of this show has been so besmirched and that Justin should be burned at the stake or something. Let’s all be adults.
Ali gives chase and Justin, I don’t even know, hops through some shrubbery to escape her? It’s … really weird. And then weirder still (is Istanbul (not Constantinople) a giant circle?) Justin comes limping back to talk to Ali. I like to think the shrubbery was too much for him.
He says that he and Jessica are just friends. Ali throws Kasey’s name out there and somewhere on a glacier in Iceland, he starts singing and doesn’t know why. Ali brings up the second girlfriend and that he and Jessica were in cahoots, which Justin denies up and down, but looks like he’s totally full of crap. He’s a bad liar.
Justin and his man-sweater limp away. I hope someone helps him through the bushes this time. Or maybe he is even now still wandering in that square in Istanbul (not Constantinople). As Justin leaves, the sound editors play messages he left Jessica while he was on the show. Heh heh.
We finally move on from the Justin thing to Ty’s one-on-one date with Ali. They go to a Turkish bathhouse that is thankfully not full of dudes like in days of yore. But seriously, that’s a cool date. Except … don’t they get INTO a bath? I guess I was mistaken, I thought there’d be an actual heated bath they would sit in.
Afterward, they go to a beautiful dinner and get into talking about Ty’s recent divorzzzzzzzzzz … sorry, I dozed off for a second. I have to tell Ali and Ty as a couple that I’m just not that into them. He gets a rose. Bloop bloop bloop.
Kirk, Chris, Roberto and Craig head out and, uh, Chris looks AMAZING in a white shirt and sunglasses. Man, he is a hottie. And then Ali gets to pour olive oil over him to wrestle in. Mmmm. They are wrestling Turkish dudes because it’s a Turkish tradition. There is much slippage. Heee.
Chris loses, Kirk loses, Roberto loses in like a full body slam and then Craig loses. But then they get to wrestle each other, so that’s fun. Craig is really jonesing for the special one-on-one time as the prize because he hasn’t had a solo date yet, which is a bummer for him.
The first match is Craig vs. Chris and Craig wins! Surprising. It’s like that grandma-saving-her-grandson-trapped-under-a-car-strength, I guess. Roberto beats Kirk and then Roberto and Craig face off and Craig manages to win.
Chris keeps making these great talking-head deadpan comments about the olive oil wrestling. I can’t just type them here because it won’t sound as funny, but I just love him. If he doesn’t win, Chris Lambton for next “Bachelor.” CHRIS LAMBTON! CHRIS LAMBTON! Let’s start a Facebook campaign.
Craig and Ali go on a boat ride for their one-on-one time, then have a great dinner. He seems like a such “you’re my best friend, Craig” kind of guy. Just not romantic. But he’s so sweet, he needs to find the girl who thinks of him romantically and he’ll make her SO happy forever and ever.
They head to a bazaar and Ali tries on a belly dancer outfit and she looks awesome. Frank is also being so funny, I really see it with them. PICK FRANK! PICK FRANK! Later, Ali and Frank get to have dinner in a cistern tunnel thing, it’s super romantic. Wow. Hey, jealousy.
To get to the platform in the middle of the water, they feel for magic then pull an invisible boat out of the lake. As they float along, they see all these dead bodies in the water. Wait — that’s “Harry Potter.” This is different.
During dinner, they talk about how real their feelings are and they kiss and it actually seems legit. I think I’m getting vicarious butterflies. I think he is the best for her. Naturally he gets a rose.
There isn’t one. Ali cancels it because there’s one dude she just knows it isn’t right with. Could it be friend-zone dude whom we’ve never seen her kiss? Sorry Craig, I think your time is up.
So Frank and Ty already have roses and the next three go to Roberto, Chris and Kirk. Least surprising ceremony yet, especially since she left her make-out buddy for the last rose.
Okay, so after the Justin shenanigans this was kind of a snoozer. But next week! Portugal! Dancing! Mopeds! Madrigal costumes?
Outtakes: Ty serenades Frank in his underwear. While the other guys are wrestling in olive oil shirtless. And there was a bathhouse. This is literally the gayest episode of “The Bachelorette” ever.
UPDATE: A few weeks ago, after Chris Lambton started talking about Flip Cup and I mentioned that in my recap, the guys from Major League Flip Cup emailed me to dispute that he was ever in any finals and they also sent me a t-shirt. I have been meaning to give them a a shout-out and keep forgetting (like a big jerk). So check out their site, it’s awesome, and thanks for the t-shirt, guys!