This episode of The Biggest Loser: Couples was brought to you by filler, frustration and fake-outs. Not only am I pissed that we didn’t get to see Bob completely lose it when he realized his team had ejected his heavy hitter, we also got stuck with a bogus, unnecessary and thoroughly unsatisfying cliffhanger. What-EVER, producers!

Although we didn’t see Bob’s presumed meltdown at Dane’s ouster, we did see a couple of others react. Cathy and Kristin say that they sent him home because they’re sticking with Original Team Bob, and not with, say, any form of sense or sanity. Mike is thrilled, but Tara speaks the truth, saying they’re all idiots. Of course, Tara is apparently speaking from the wounds in her own heart, because Dane was the LAST PERSON on campus who UNDERSTOOD her or CARED about her or ENCOURAGED her or…. Save it for your poetry journal, ok, Tara?

Top Loser
Next, The Biggest Loser meets Top Chef, with Rocco DiSpirito challenging the teams to make over fast-food favorites. The team that comes up with the tastiest food that has the healthiest stats wins dinner from Rocco and an extra vote at elimination. They have 30 minutes, and no guidance. Both teams produce lackluster burritos (seriously, you need more than ground turkey in a tortilla) but Team Black’s was healthier, so it wins. Team Blue makes a tastier, healthier pizza, but Team Black’s burger tastes better and has fewer calories (because they didn’t add condiments). Team Black wins, and Laura gets the extra elimination vote. Wait — isn’t that only useful if Team Black loses the weigh-in?

Team Blue goes off-campus and meets Sugar Ray Leonard for a shadowboxing class.  That’s pretty cool. However, I don’t know if doing shadowboxing moves actually justifies squeeing “We are going to box with Sugar Ray Leonard!” as Kristin does. I’m not saying it’s not a hard workout — it would totally kick my butt — but unless Sugar Ray Leonard’s fist actually meets some part of your anatomy (because you KNOW your fist won’t be meeting any part of his), can you really define it as actual boxing?

Meanwhile, Team Black stays back on the ranch with Jillian, who spends a little time bonding with Sione. Then she breaks him. OK, fine, his foot slips off a bench and he sprains his ankle. The teams freaks out –with Sione down, do they have any chance?

The Challenge
The challenge involves loading food into bags, which are loaded into boxes, which are loaded into trucks, which are delivered to the needy by the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank. The winning team will be the first to load 150 boxes of food into the truck. They’ll win free groceries for a year (poing!), a spot in a cereal commercial, and letters from home.

Team Black has to pick someone to sit out, and somehow, they decide on Laura, who doesn’t protest. Hmm. It’s neck and neck for quite a while, but Team Black pulls ahead and wins it. Team Blue — especially Aubrey and Mandi — are devastated. That’s at least in part because Aubrey actually depended on food pantries when she had her first two kids. So it’s particularly heartwarming when Mike comes up to her later and says look, I’m a college student, I don’t actually need groceries — you want them? Why yes, yes she does. Mike, you’re a mensch. Well done, sir.

Dr. Jillian’s psy-ops
Jillian is disgusted to learn that Laura sat out the challenge, and decides to combine her Dr. Jillian persona with her Evil Bee-yotch persona, publicly humiliating Laura by having every team member admit that they think Laura is the weakest link on the team. It’s because you’re always thinking of yourself as the victim! YOU think you’re weak, and everyone picks up on that! Laura admits she wants to lose weight to get love, Jillian talks about the bottomless pit of love-starvedness that lives in Laura’s soul, and it all makes me moderately ill. Yes, this probably IS the meanest thing Jillian’s ever done. Does Laura deserve it? At this point, I’m so frustrated by this episode that I can’t even tell.

The Weigh-in

But just wait! The frustration continues at the weigh-in, where Allison announces that if the total weight lost among all the players is more than 77 pounds — a pound a day for each player — then no one is going home. If they fall short of that 78-pound goal, one member of each team is going home. So they weigh in, and there’s lots of cuts and reaction shots and other stupidity, and some people (Helen, Ron, Kathy, and, most shockingly, Sione) lose less than 7 pounds, one person (Laura) hits right at 7 pounds, and some people (Mandi, Aubrey, Tara, Kristin and Filipe) exceed seven pounds. So they get to Mike, the last to weigh in, and he needs to lose 10 pounds to save everyone. He gets on the scale, they do the damnable beeping montage, they cut to reaction shots… and then it cuts to black. “To Be Continued.” Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. All that filler bloating up the episode, and NOW you pull a “To Be Continued”? Grrr!

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

  • Aubrey and Mandi know that they’re the next Team Blue members on the chopping black. Mandi freaks out a bit in all the workouts — “What if I work this hard and I still go home?” she asks. “What if you work this hard and you win the weigh in?” Bob responds. Riddle me THAT, Batman!
  • At the weigh-in, I’m guessing Team Blue was seriously kicking themselves for eliminating Dane when they did. Dorks.
  • Speaking of dorks… no mention of the Dane/marathon controversy.
  • Ron has one of the most honest reactions I’ve seen to one of these food challenges. Hell, yeah, I ate pizza. “It tasted good so you ate it!”
  • It’s sad that Rocco feels he needs to emphasize that the food has to actually taste good, not just be good for you.
  • Was there someone off-camera holding up a cue-card what said “world-class chef”? Rocco was described that way twice, as a “world-famous chef” once, and as “a chef, and good looking!” once. We get it — we’re supposed to love and respect Rocco.
  • We learn that Aubrey was an amateur boxer, undefeated for three years. Wow — they’re really getting some bas-ass women on the show this year, aren’t they?
  • Dear god, WHAT was Alison wearing at the elimination? A boob-window turtleneck doesn’t flatter ANYONE, and when it’s a sort of acid-lime green? Oy.
Posted by:Sarah Jersild