As you can imagine, last week’s failed ouster of Ron made things Un! Comfort! Able! on “The Biggest Loser: Couples.” So when the Losers were given the opportunity and a plausible reason to drown their discomfort with calories… well, most of them did.
Obligatory Ron Rant
Have I mentioned how much Ron bugs me? EVERYONE in the house is scared of him — he’s the Godfather, The Hatchet Man. Tara says she’d be afraid if she were the Tongans — “They might find a horse’s head in their beds.” The editors underscore all their Ron footage with Godfather-esque music from then on.
When Ron gets back after the vote, he thanks those who voted to save him. “Those who didn’t, may you get struck down and die.” He intones that those who left the protection of the pack should expect to be set upon by wild dogs and have their entrails dragged out to the wilderness. Or to be voted off. Whichever. Fear of The Great and Powerful Ron runs deep: Kristin doesn’t even want to be seen walking with the three outcasts, and she slinks away when Filipe asks her if she’d ever vote against Ron.
Mike is livid that Helen, Filipe and Sione dares trespass against The Holy Ron, and I really wish he’d shut up because I want to keep liking him and he’s making it difficult.
Please, for the love of all that is good, SOMEONE get Ron out of there!
The Losers are confronted with 100 covered trays. Most of them contain high-cal snacks. A few contain product-placed gum with cash attached. And one holds “ultimate power” — a golden ticket that will grant the user the sole vote in this week’s elimination.
After a few seconds of hesitation, the Losers gets snacking. Just about everyone says they NEEEEEED this ticket to survive, but Sione, Filipe and Helen feel more urgency than most. Kristin realizes early that the power is fine, but only if you stay above the yellow line, so she drops out. Ron gets a string of lucky trays — he wins $1,500 in gum money — but he, too, starts having to eat.
Laura ends up winning the ticket, and she immediately starts scheming. Kneel before
Zod! Laura! And get me breakfast in bed while you’re at it! Kristin actually does suck up with breakfast in bed, and Helen tries to be motherly and concerned, then suggests that maybe Laura would want to vote her partner off. Wait, what? That’s not going to happen.
Laura starts scheming — Tara, why don’t you throw the weigh-in, so you’ll be below the line with someone else and then I won’t have to make a tough decision! Tara resists, then wavers, then looks like she’s going to, then looks like she won’t… she’s undecided until late in the game, despite Jillian urging her not to take the risk.
Welcome to the Rose Bowl! Now run up and down all the steps in your half of the stadium. My knees start aching just watching them. It’s boys against girls, and Sione and Tara win handily. Then Sione and Tara go head to head, and they swap leads. In the end, Tara’s focus and her ability to pace herself give her the win. She gets a vacation for 4 at a fitness resort.
Sione is pissed — I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough, he warbles. (Ok, no singing, but he did get that song stuck in my head). He’s feeling defeated. Uh-oh.
Ron has a stellar week, losing 9 pounds. Will no one rid me of this turbulent Loser? No, seriously– anyone? No? Sigh. Kristin and Filipe also post great numbers (6 and 7 pounds, respectively), and are safe.
Mike and Tara hit roadblocks this week — Mike loses “just” 5 pounds, while Tara drops “just” 3. Did she consciously throw the weigh-in? She says no, but Jillian shoots daggers with her eyes. But they’re saved by Helen, who drops “only” 2 pounds, and Sione, who loses “just” 4. So long as Laura stays above the line, one of them will be going home. Ron smugly looks smug as he smugs his way to smugville — one of the heretics will fall to the righteous sword of elimination! Grrr.
And who woulda thunk it, Laura didn’t cave under the pressure. She has an awesome week, losing 8 pounds. Hooray! Now, get ready to crush some hopes and dreams!
At the judging table, Laura says Helen is like her mother, and Sione is like her brother. Well, Laura’s brother, beware if you’re in a lifeboat with her and your mom, because you’re getting pushed overboard. Sione goes home. Sigh.
He looks spectacular in the Look At Me Now interview — he’s studying to become a trainer, he’s working out his family, he gives his (adorable) small children athletic shoes, and takes his (adorable) wife to the gym. He’s lost 137 pounds, and he looks gooooooood. Rowr.
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
- Ah, Sione. You spoke truth to power — “I don’t owe anybody anything. I’m not here for Ron, I’m here for myself” — and you got smote for it. Alas. We’ll miss you.
- Filipe gets emotional and tells Sione how much he means to him. Sione looks deeply uncomfortable.
- I did like Sione asking Filipe to lead them in a Haka (or Sipi Tau, or Kailao — I’m afraid I’m not up on my varieties of Tongan war dances). If I haven’t pointed you here before, check out the Tongans vs. the New Zealand All Blacks before a rugby match. Now THAT, my friends, is a dance off!
- Jillian and Bob are both utterly disgusted by the temptation challenge, and that their Losers succumbed. Jillian looks like she wants to get the gym reconsecrated after the blasphemous binge.
- Both trainers enjoy kicking the crap out of the Losers in the post-temptation workout. I’m amazed we didn’t see anyone puking. Grateful, but amazed.
- At the weigh-in, Ron says he’s fine with his loss, but “that put me above my son and I’m not happy.” “Oh, shut up!” Mike says. “Be happy!” Heh. Finally!
- Sione, when he leaves, pledges that the next time we see him, he’ll be “the next Tongan Brad Pitt.” Wait, there was a previous Tongan Brad Pitt? Where? Is he single?