Our long national The Biggest Loser: Families nightmare is over! No longer will we be haunted by the fear that Vile Vicky, Henchwoman Heba or Easily-Led Ed would take the prize from America’s Sweetheart of Last Resort, the indomitable Michelle. And while it was a split verdict in terms of rewarding evil, the 84 percent (!!!) of us who cast our votes for Ed out of spite were in the right. 

You read that right, folks: Ed pleaded Henchwoman Heba’s case before America, and America ignored him, voting him into the final triumvirate over his hateful wife. Spite brings the country together again! I worry about that other 16 percent, but I figure Heba must have SOME friends and family. Heba did not seem surprised, but Ed looked honestly disappointed. Sorry, Ed, but you’re much less objectionable than your wife.

The eliminated players

Adam was part of the first couple eliminated. He looks good — he’s slimmed down a lot, and is sporting a great suit.

Stacey was the other half of that first-eliminated couple, and she looks AMAZING. Stacey said in her look-at-me-now interview that she’d buy the first new dress since her wedding for the finale. She made a great choice — it fits her beautifully and has some tasteful bling at the collar. Since she was only on campus for one week, she did almost all of this without the trainers’ help. Wow. Go, Stacey!

LT and Tom are both still big guys, but now they look solid, like linebackers, rather than just big, you know? I’m glad to see them both looking so much healthier. Tom says he’s eliminated his high cholesterol, high blood pressure and diabetes.

Jerry had been in even worse shape than Tom health-wise, and now he looks great. Again, he’s eliminated all his medication and his diseases, and I swear he’s even got more hair. The entire audience cheers for him. It’s fantastic.

Coleen looks adorable, with a great dress and fabulous wavy hair. She’s proud of herself, but she’s even more proud of her dad. Awwww…

Shellay — holy cow, what a knockout! Shellay is just smokin’ in a fitted laced sheath dress that shows off her tight little bod. Wow.

Amy makes just as much of an impression, strutting out in a one-shoulder dress that makes her look spectacular. I can hardly believe these are the same people. Nice red highlights in her hair, too.

Phil obviously worked his butt off at home — he may be half his size. It’s also possible that he just had his scalp waxed and buffed.

Amy looks incredible, in a fitted red dress and a side-swept hairstyle. She really is channeling Miss South Carolina here. I find myself hoping she wins.

Brady lost a lot of weight, but he’s still a solid, beefy guy. He looks damn good, but it’s not the same sort of transformation that Phil went through.

Renee looks lovely, with a new short haircut and a great fitted black dress. She says that no matter how good she looks, Michelle looks even better. Heh.

That leaves Henchwoman Heba, who, it much be said, looks like she’s shrunk to half her original size. She looks good, and has a sleek new haircut, but she really should have invested in a better bra. I’m just saying.

The Eliminated Players Weigh-in

  • Adam: 340 to 260, for a total loss of 80 pounds, or 23.53 percent.
  • LT: 357 to 270, for a total loss of 87 pounds, or 24.84 percent.
  • Tom: 314 to 236, for a total loss of 78 pounds, or 24.84 percent.
  • Coleen: 218 to 154, for a total loss of 64 pounds, or 29.36 percent.
  • Stacey: 221 to 156, for a total loss of 65 pounds, or 29.41 percent.
  • Jerry: 380 to 265, for a total loss of 115 pounds, or 30.26 percent.
  • Shellay: 216 to 142, for a total loss of 74 pounds, or 34.26 percent.
  • Brady: 341 to 224, for a total loss of 117 pounds, or 34.31 percent.
  • Renee: 267 to 161, for a total loss of 106 pounds, or 39.70 percent.
  • Amy Formerly Known As Purple: 239 to 135, for a total loss of 104 pounds, or 43.51 percent.
  • Phil: 331 to 180, for a total loss of 151 pounds, or 45.62 percent.
  • Amy Formerly Known As Red: 229 to 124, for a total loss of 105 pounds, or 45.85 percent.
  • It comes down to Heba. She went from 294 to 156, for a total loss of 138 pounds, or 46.93 percent.

Heba wins. Dammit!

The Main Event
All of this is just entertaining filler leading us up to the main event: Vile Vicky and Easily-Led Ed vs. Michelle, who was estranged from her mom and who remains tragically nicknameless. (Why do I not have anything for her? How could I have overlooked this?) Let’s see them:

Ed endears himself to e by punching through his "before" picture’s man-boobs. Heh. He looks good, but something about his fitted black ensemble feels a little off. Perhaps I’m just influenced by my antipathy for his team?

Vicky comes out in a form-fitting blue dress and spends several seconds posing while Alison tries to get her to come over with the rest of the group. Sigh. Then she nearly breaks an ankle skidding in her too-high heels. Heh — Heba did the same thing when she came out. I’m starting to wonder if someone greased that step on purpose.

Michelle looks fabulous is a gorgeous pink dress. I find myself thinking oh, please, Michelle…please don’t let one of the Blue Brats take this. Then they cut to the audience, where someone is holding up a sign with a blue shirt crossed out. Wow. I’m surprised they showed that.

The Weigh-in

  • Vicky went from 246 to 145, for a total loss of 101 pounds, or 41.06 percent.
  • Ed went from 335 to 196, for a total loss of 139 pounds, or 41.49 percent.
  • Michelle went from 242 to 132, for a total loss of 110 pounds, or 45.45 percent.

Michelle wins! The Brats in Blue are vanquished! And I’m free, free of this show… for all of three weeks. It all starts up again on January 6. Let’s hope this new batch doesn’t contain as many thoroughly objectionable people, shall we?

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends:

  • Was anyone else distracted by Alison’s black lace bra and/or dress ornament, along with her copious body shimmer? Tone it down, Alison!
  • Actually, Alison wasn’t doing well — she bobbled names, stumbled over words, and seemed at a loss as times. She acknowledges it, and blames it on baby brain. I’ve got to give her that.
  • The crowd noise was telling when Alison announced the final four. Vicky and Heba’s names drew silence, while Ed and especially Michelle prompted cheers.
  • I’m sure I’m not alone that I let out a hiss of disappointment when Heba won the at-home competition. I kind of hate the game for doing this to me — I should be celebrating a great achievement, but instead, I’m fuming and bitching and foaming at the mouth a bit. I really, really wanted Heba to lose this, just so I could point and laugh.
  • I freaked a bit when Heba won her division, and feared my fellow spite-voters and I had miscalculated. We didn’t: If Heba has been in the final three, she would have won. And aren’t we, as a country, facing enough problems right now without having to worry about that, too?
  • After Vicky weighs in, there’s a standing ovation. Alison says it’s to salute her effort. I have a feeling it was to celebrate the fact that Vile Vicky didn’t win.
  • Some former competitors are in the audience. Bernie and Brittany are sitting together, as are Ali and Bette Sue. Bette Sue is verrrrrrrrry sparkly. I love her.
  • Jerry probably got the biggest reaction from the crowd. Even Stacey came up and hugged him when he dethroned her as the front-runner in the $100,000 race. Very sweet.
  • When Ed got home, he was tortured by food, but he got the chance to design a portion of the menu at one of their favorite restaurants. Nice!
  • Vicky talked about how she was doing this for her kids … and then talked about how she got up at 4 a.m. to work out, worked all day, then worked out again until 8 p.m., and barely got to see her kids at all. Methinks she’s missing the point.
  • Apparently it was Phil who counseled her to "live in the moment" and concentrate on her kids when she’s with them. Huh. Vicky and Phil spoke? But why?
  • Did anyone else laugh when a donut shop configured its sign to welcome Vicky back from Biggest Loser ranch? That seems like a mixed message.
  • Michelle interviews that she feels bad because sometimes she can’t push herself to work out for four hours every day. FOUR HOURS? Once again, I’m reminded of why this show makes me nutty. Very few mere mortals who don’t work in the fitness industry can manage four-hour workouts every day — nor should they! This show!
Posted by:Sarah Jersild