Well folks, here we are. After what seems like an eternity, this show is finally going to be over. For, like, a minute, until the next season begins. Why will you not give me a real hiatus, Biggest Loser?
Hey! Sami is looking fly on this live finale. She enthusiastically tells us that we’re about to see some spectacular transformations. Hopefully this will entail personality transplants for a few of the contestants. Someone is going to win $250,000 tonight and become the tenth Biggest Loser. But, Sami says, all of the contestants have already shown us that this show isn’t only about what you get out of it — it’s what you put into it. Cue montage. Eight months ago, in seven different cities, twenty-one people were desperate enough to believe this show was the only way they could change their lives. There were tears and moving speeches. There were screaming trainers. There was grunting and sweating. There were camouflage outfits during Marines week. There was cheesy inspirational music. There continues to be cheesy inspirational music.
And now we’re down to the final four! There’s Patrick, a young father of two who wants to be around for his family and who is sometimes nice and sometimes shitty but more or less gets away with it because he’s poor and jobless. There’s Frado, the dedicated family man who doesn’t want to be a burden to his loved ones any longer, and who also walked the fine line between douchey and affable on a regular basis. There’s Elizabeth, who in no fucking way should be in the final four, given that she was in the bottom two a million times. A million times in only twelve episodes. You do the math. And then there’s Ada, our last hope for a just world. Her parents treated her shitty, but she somehow came out awesome. Ada, we love you! Frado and Patrick made it into the final three on their own merits, and then we, the Americans, had to vote on whether to send Ada or Elizabeth to compete with them. If Elizabeth wins, I’m moving to Canada.
Sami introduces the Biggest Loser scale, which is appropriately gussied up for the evening. And then it’s time to bring out Ada and Elizabeth and find out who is moving forward to the final three. Ada the Terminator is first on stage, and girl looks fly. We see new, skinny Ada next to hologram old hefty Ada. Current Ada looks awesome in part because she’s not totally emaciated. She looks muscular and athletic and glowing and healthy. I hate when the contestants show up to the finale looking like they just escaped from the camps. Sami asks Ada how things have shaken out with her family. Ada says that she knows a lot of people were concerned about her and wanted to make sure that she felt like her parents loved her and were proud of her, and that the conversation during the marathon episode was a real turning point. Her parents are very supportive now, she says, and they understand that she needs more than a pat on the back. If it weren’t for Biggest Loser, she says, she probably wouldn’t have had the courage to face this issue. Well that’s good. Ada’s mom wipes away a tear in the audience and smiles. Ada thanks her family for being patient with her and allowing her to say what she needed to say and take this journey.