Well, hi everybody. The Biggest Loser is back. I know, it seems like it never left! How can we miss you if you won’t go away, Biggest Loser? And yet, here we are. I’ve had a lovely evening of trying to clean poo off of my cat’s fluffy bottom, and then dealing with her vomit, some of which was launched projectile-style from a chair in my living room. It is a banner evening in the Potes household, is what I’m saying. And there’s only one thing that can turn it around: Dolvett’s abs.
But first! We have to suffer through little clips of all the sad, sad couples who have elected to participate in season 13. Santa Claus is among them. All those cookies on Christmas Eve, you know. Penny Marshall also appears to be a contestant. I would think the Laverne/Santa pairing would be unbeatable. The Big Ragu and Rudolph would surprise-greet them on the makeover episode. Host Allison Sweeney promises us that epic things will happen this season, some of which involve rooms full of donuts.
It is night, and the contestants enter the ranch for the first time. Mike, of brother pairing Joe and Mike, compares it to walking through the pearly gates. And he hasn’t even seen Dr. “Grim Reaper” Huizenga yet! Mike was laid off some time ago, and says that his motivation to succeed is hindered by his weight and how he feels about himself. Having no job would really give you a lot of time to eat Buffalo wings. The contestants line up before Sami, who points out the actual literal wooden gate that’s behind her. This is all a bit much, no? I love that this show thinks that you have to get MORE dramatic than a 400-pound person. Teams are comprised of folks with all sorts of relationships, and there is even one team of strangers — Emily and Kim. They have their pink sweatshirts in common, as well as the fact that they are former athletes. Also, I feel certain that they must have won some sort of contest.