The moment is here! It is the finale, and now we get to bid adieu to what has been universally hailed as a rather unpleasant crop of contestants. Hardly anyone can muster up a care, which is why I think this episode is only an hour long. Miss Alison Sweeney appears in front of a live crowd, looking lovely in a purple dress, and tells us that it’s been a wild ride. Three people quit the show, she reminds us, and so they will not be weighing in tonight. Are they at least on the premises so people can boo them up close and personal?
Because the schedule is so tight in the one-hour show, Miss Alison Sweeney — and I will tell you it is a real struggle not to call her Sami right now — has to launch into the first montage over the crazy cheering of the crowd. During this season there were couples who were split up almost immediately, and eventually some people got lucky enough to go to Hawaii and to the White House. And then with no further ado, the at-home contenders launch right out onto the stage. We first get Ben, who I still don’t remember at all, other than the last episode. And then holy guacamole, Mike! I seriously thought that Billy Campbell was making a guest appearance. He looks amazing, and completely different — even more so than on the last episode. We have Lauren and Gail, Nancy and Adrian (who is wearing an ascot and suspenders, naturally), and Roy and Daphne. And, wait. Roy has gone from looking like Santa Claus to looking like Kenny Rogers! Ruby, don’t take your love to the North Pole! Next we see Chism (who is trying to muster up some sultriness) and Cassandra, who looks fabulous. Then we have Kimmy and Emily, who has lost weight everywhere except for her boobs. I think maybe she got a forehead extension as well? Or is losing hair from malnourishment? And last but not least we have Megan and Chris. Chris looks like she could be the sister of last season’s Oliva, and/or a Patti Lupone impersonator. I mean that in a good way.
Ali Sweeney lauds everyone for looking so amazing, and encourages them to wave to family, friends and fans. Once that nano-moment is complete, however, she sends them all backstage to change into their weigh-in clothes. Someone is about to win $100,000! Before we get to the big scale, however, we get an eyeful of Bob and Dolvett! I don’t need to tell you how fly Dolvett looks, do I? Bob looks good too, though I am so over his Warby Parker glasses. Once changed, the first crop of at-home contestants hovers on the side of the stage, so they can dash onto the scale and dash-off and get this thing wrapped up in 60 minutes. On a season where three people walk off, everyone else is punished by not getting a grand entrance. Mind you, I am NOT complaining. Have them on a conveyor belt if you must, is what I say.