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When we last left our intrepid heroine LC on The Hills, faux K-Fed was playing games with Audrina, Spencer got smacked down by Heidi’s awesome mom, putting Heidi in the middle, and Holly tried to rekindle a friendship with Lauren.

At the rockin’ bachelorette pad, Lauren and Lo discuss Lauren meeting Holly for a drink that night. Lauren worries Holly is getting her Yenta on and trying to get Lauren and Heidi back together. Lo’s reaction to the night of drinks is, "Well… drinks are harmless." Famous. Last. Words.

Epic Records. Audrina and Chiara have lunch. Poor Chiara. All she ever does is listen to Audrina bitch at work. Can’t we get her some screentime doing something FUN? Audrina says she has a date that night with "Colin." She hasn’t told faux K-Fed, but Chiara and Audrina (and me too!) agree that she doesn’t have to tell him.

Cuvee for lunch. Heidi and Holly discuss Lauren, with Heidi making sure to tell Holly how much Lauren misses her. Holly really does seem to be trying to Parent Trap these two back together. She’s obviously taking cues from Naomi on the new 90210. Heidi says she’s the one who lost all her friends in the break-up and Holly tells her to write Lauren a letter to remind her of Heidi’s heart.  Or some schmoopy crap like that. In the scenes between the Montag Sisters I’m always struck at how much Heidi is really pretty and Holly is really… not.

Audrina and Colin go out and he…. looks a lot like faux K-Fed. She obviously has a type. They discuss music and I try not to nod off on my keyboard. There’s an offhand comment about how strong Aud’s drink is. This segues into a discussion of drunkeness and how faux K-Fed just fights with her when she’s drunk. Colin reassures her that he’s a happy drunk and then asks her out again. Just a tip… don’t talk about your other boyfriend on the next date, lady.

S Bar. Lauren and Lo meet Holly for drinks. There’s a chance Bob the Bachelor is the bartender. Seriously, did you see him? It was totally Bob! They laugh about when they used to share a bed and then the topic of Heidi comes up. Holly impresses upon Lauren how much Heidi misses her.

People’s Revolution. Whitney gets her weekly requisite listen-to-Lauren’s-problems-scene. Spinoff for Whitney and Chiara! Spinoff for Whitney and Chiara! Lauren gives Whitney a letter she got from Heidi. It reads (basically) "Lauren, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything.  I’m so sorry for every hurtful comment I said. That’s not who I am. I will treasure our friendship. This whole thing has also been really hard for me. Sincerely, Heidi Montag."

Whitney is spot-on saying that Heidi must not have any girlfriends and is probably really lonely. Yes, that is what happens when a passive-aggressive piece of crap keeps you locked away in a tower like freakin’ Rapunzel. Lauren says Heidi still cannot put the blame for their friendship ending in the right place, which is with Spencer. He really is the Devil’s Spawn, huh?

Audrina meets Colin for dinner. She immediately brings up faux K-fed calling last night (am I psychic or what?) and how they talked late into the night. OH MY GOD, AUDRINA! Are you mentally challenged? Colin rightfully asks about what is going on with faux K-Fed (as well he should) and she defends their relationship, saying they aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend but she has known him a long time. Oh lord. RUN, COLIN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Holly comes over to the bachelorette pad. She and Lauren discuss the letter. Lauren kind of blows it off and Holly spins her Heidi-missing-you-has-regrets record right round, round, round. Lauren asks if Heidi has any girlfriends and Holly says… not really. Lauren says it’s not Heidi keeping her away, it’s Spencer. She can’t bring herself to be civil to him. Hell, sister. I’ve never met the boy and I don’t think I could be civil to him. I think it’d be more beat-him-with-a-tube-sock-full-of-woodscrews.

The next morning, Lauren and Audrina dish about Aud’s date. She thinks it was her last date with Colin because he was asking her about faux K-Fed and she was telling him the truth. Um, it wasn’t exactly Colin "asking" about faux K-Fed. It was you BRINGING HIM UP RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

Lauren then spills about the letter from Heidi and Holly’s matchmaking shenanigans. Lauren thinks maybe it’s better to just look back at their good couple years fondly. She reiterates that it’s not Heidi, it’s Spencer and how if they are always together it won’t work. Lauren wonders where they’d all be if Heidi never met Spencer. Lauren says, "Isn’t it weird to think about how one person coming into someone’s life can change everything." I smell a Quantum Leap episode. Dr. Sam Beckett can fix everything!

Faux K-Fed and Audrina have dinner and she spills the beans about her dates with Colin. K-Fed seems fairly unaffected and callous about it. He is obviously dating and doesn’t care enough about Audrina to be exclusive and she totally wants to be. That sucks, Aud. Dump his ass. He’ll just keep stringing you along until you do.

House of Despair and Abuse. The Montag Sisters talk about Lauren and the letter. Holly tells Heidi that Lauren misses her. Heidi says Lauren could say let’s move on and be friends and Holly says it could happen, just as Spencer the Evil saunters in and assily wants to know what’s going on. Heidi confesses about the letter in the way the abused woman has to confess she spent a little too much money and hope her husband doesn’t beat her.

Spencer wonders why she kept a secret from him and then shushes Holly as she tries to defend Heidi. How he doesn’t get just bitch-slapped across his flesh-colored-beardy face is beyond me. Holly tells them both that Lauren said straight-up that she won’t be friends with Heidi as long as SPencer is around. He thinks that’s great and Holly says that it would be great if they were friends again because that would mean he wouldnt’ be around anymore. Heidi looks pensive and sad.

I have not seen this punk-ass jerk be nice to his girlfriend ONE TIME this entire season. How is she with him? I don’t understand it! What do you guys think? Am I crazy in my Spencer hate?

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."