Previously on The Hills Whitney took off for the Big Apple. If she can make it there, she can make it anywhere. Heidi was still trapped in her cycle of abuse with Spencer the Butt-face.

Mexico. Heidi and Spencer have taken off to elope. Which would’ve been much more exciting if I hadn’t seen it splashed all over US Weekly like a month ago. Spencer bitches about their family tearing them apart, which is funny because if your family doesn’t like who you are dating… maybe that’s a clue that he’s not the right guy for you, HEIDI.

People’s Revolution. Whitney gets a call that her magical job that whisks her off to her spin-off came through. I, for one, am SHOCKED. I was on pins and needles all week. She tells Lauren and they freak out and reiterate that she’s not going because of Jay the Aussie.

Meh-hee-co. Say what you will about Heidi, but bitch can rock high heels and a bikini. Damn, girl. Spencer, on the other hand, cannot rock swim trunks. Eww. She agrees not to let her family effect her and he gallantly agrees not to let HER family effect him either. Big of you, Spence.

Sunny California. Audrina shows off her house to Stephanie. Steph tells her that Heidi ditched their plans to go shopping and she doesn’t know why. Nobody knows where Spencer and Heidi are. Oh my god, he finally snapped and kidnapped her. The next episode will be Spencer making a skin-suit and Heidi having to put the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again. Steph says their family rule is that you call before you get on a plane, which is a good plan. Justin makes me laugh for the first time ever by suggesting Stephanie put up signs. What would those signs say?  LOST: One ditzy blonde and her douchebag boyfriend. Do you guys KNOW how many responses that would get in Los Angeles?

Sandy beaches, clear water. Heidi dances in place at a restaurant and Spencer gives her the singularly most lecherous look I have EVER seen. Seriously, I need a shower. He then really romantically suggests that they get married and don’t tell anybody. Heidi giggles that Patron makes her crazy. Well, that’s a good reason to get married.

Palihouse Halloway. Whatever that is. I’m such a hayseed. Lo, Lauren and Audrina show up to send Whitney off. I’m pretty sure Lauren has belted a swath of gauze and called it a dress. She totally rocks it, though, so you go with your bad self, Lauren. Whitney’s dad is even there, which is cute. Lo laments that Whitney is a career girl now. As opposed to just waiting for a wealthy man to marry you? Sigh.

Audrina fills the girls in on Heidi’s kidnapping. There has been no ransom demand yet. Whitney’s dad then makes a nice toast and everybody clinks glasses. Yay for Whitney, I suppose. The girls get all weepy and I try not to throw up in my mouth a little. My viewing partner does not see the "bravery" in moving across the country to a job that a reality show engineered for you. I concur.

Trip of Drunkeness and Bad Decisions. Spencer is trying to railroad Heidi into going along with a "Secret Mexico Wedding." I can only snicker because it sounds like "Double Secret Probation." Spencer’s "proposal" is that Heidi "makes him want to be nicer." It’s not quite Jack Nicholson’s "you make me want to be a better man," but it’s darn close, Spence. He argues that he’s barely left her side for two years, which isn’t so much a sign of how much he loves her as it is a sign that he knows he wouldn’t get any freaking press without Heidi.

Through her Patron-colored glasses, Heidi agrees to get married. Wow, I really hope that when a guy proposes to me that my response is along the lines of "I guess so." Heidi then tells him she’ll "show him what a wife does" and we go to commercial before she can give him a blow job.

Lemonade. A restaurant, not a children’s stand on the corner, though that would be SO much better. Whitney and Lauren chat about Whitney’s future. They get all schmoopy about their friendship and Lauren says she went into their work looking at it as a job and didn’t expect to get a friend. I wonder who fed her that line? Lauren wipes her eyes and I am distracted by her vamp nail polish, which I know from Buffy is "so over," so I’m disappointed in Lauren. Whitney climbs into her monstrous SUV (seriously, is that a conversion van?) and Lauren walks off, all sad.

Mexico. Spencer and Heidi are in some freaky-ass honeymoon suite decorated with lips. They greet each other as Mr. and Mrs. Pratt, which is gross, and Spencer is pretty smug about a wife who needed a butt-load of tequila to agree to marry him. They watch their wedding video, which is gross. Heidi is again drinking. What happens when the alcohol stops, Heidi? What happens then?

Heidi says her mom is going to freak, which is accurate. Your mom HATES Spencer, you twit. I don’t love Heidi, but my god can she do better than this douchebag. Heidi looks at her ring and looks sad. Boy, I hope that’s my reaction on my honeymoon.

We then get a damn musical montage of Whitney riding to the airport, gazing sadly out of her towncar window and Heidi and Spencer leaving Mexico. Oh, the changes!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."