When we last left the braintrust known as The Hills,
Lauren felt caught in the middle between Audrina and Lo (lather, rinse,
repeat), Stephanie had a birthday dinner where Spencer and Heidi showed
up and chased all her friends away, Whitney got a new bi-coastal job
with People’s Revolution, and Andrea still hadn’t picked out one of
these ninnies she’d be friends with in real life.

I think I missed the first few seconds, but we join Whitney telling Lauren that she’s off to New York City tomorrow. Lauren advises her to "pack lots of black." New York, the Big Emo Apple. Whitney asks about Doug and Lauren says she liked him a lot more when she was younger. All of us who witnessed them not having anything to talk about except old high school memories are shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you! Whitney advises Lauren to tell him things are moving too fast.

Over at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandisign (FIDM), Stephanie tells Lauren that Spencer basically disowned her for inviting Lauren to the birthday party. Lauren still wants to be friends and can obviously sympathize with being caught in the middle (coughAudrinaLocough).

In Emo NYC, Whitney shows up for work and Kelly asks her what took her so long. Whitney says she came right from her flight, to whcih Kelly asks if there was traffic and then demands to know where Whitney’s luggage is. Whitney calmly says it was taken straight to the hotel. The mise-en-scene of this exchange is that Kelly is obviously cuckoo-bananas. She tells Whitney she will be dressing young cute boys for a casting call. Rough gig. Stephanie starts chatting up Alex from Columbia by way of USC. Kelly invites him out for drinks and Whitney cannot stop smiling in an embarrassed way. It’s fairly cute. Kelly tells her that’s called multi-tasking in the Power Bitch world. Snerk. Awesome.

Back in Colorful Cali, Spencer and Heidi have lunch at Cut. He says he regrets not smushing Stephanie’s cake in Lauren’s face. Mature. Heidi is (GASP) the voice of reason and tells him that Stephanie will always be his sister and he needs to just deal with it and make an effort. He then uses "cuddle" as a euphemism for taking Heidi home for some Lil’ Pratt time.

Lauren meets Brody out for dinner and she explains that her bracelets are her "sparklies" on her left arm and her "friendships" on her right arm. Huh. Brody is questioning her friendship with Stephanie, but then says, "I don’t want to hear you say ‘I told you so.’" Hmmm. Strike that, reverse it, eh Brody? She tells him she isn’t going to settle for Doug, which he totally saw coming. Lauren faux-jokes that Brody is her type and he subtley lets her know he’s picking up what she’s throwing down by saying, "Are you talkin’ about us getting naked?" That was both classy AND smooth, Brody. I can’t believe Lauren didn’t just throw her panties at you in the restaurant. I know I threw mine at the TV!

Back in Emo York City, Whitney (in a black dress) meets up with Alex (in a black shirt) and they are surrounded by lots of people in black. Look at Lauren, knowin’ stuff. They start the small talk and Kelly calls Whitney to say that no one else is coming. Whitney is obviously a little embarrassed at Kelly’s cribbing a ruse from the 1960s Disney movie The Parent Trap starring Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills. Whitney and Alex bond over not knowing anyone in the city and they decide to go "walk around" for a bit. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Colorfornia: Lauren comes over to Stephanie’s apartment. Lauren is wearing a red dress that is alternately really cute and shapeless-sack-with-a-belt. I’m not a fan of that style. Stephanie asks after Doug, but Lauren says she has no idea what he’s up to. They argue about whether Stephanie’s pet is a hamster or a guinea pig. I am riveted! She’s my hamster! My guinea pig! My hamster! My guinea pig!

New York Emo: Alex and Whitney walk around and he pitches New York to her, calling fashion a culture out there. They get to her hotel and hug goodnight. There are no smoochies, which is unfortunate.

Back at People’s Revolution on the Non-Emo Coast, Whitney recounts her trip to Lauren. She wonders if she screams "lonely" to Kelly, which is pretty funny. Whitney is in the lead for someone I’d actually be friends with in real life. There is a great exchange:

Lauren: Was it good or was it awful?
Whitney: It wasn’t awful.
Lauren: That’s good!

Sorry, but the cadence and timbre of that exchange made me laugh really hard. Anyway, Lauren is off to end things with Doug.

Stephanie stops by Spencer’s and he’s a big ol’ brat right off by snubbing her for coming in and then not opening the present she brought him. Steph is halfway begging him to open it and he finally acquieces. It’s a book about the CIA… and my head explodes. The rest of the recap will have to be done by someone else. He then shoots down Stephanie’s request to hang out together. What a baby.

Lauren gets to Doug’s house and he says he’s been trying to reach her. She says the thing with them just "isn’t there." He balks at that because he has a crush on her. She pulls out the old stand-by of "it’s not you AT ALL!" and says he’s been way too nice to her. Sigh. Looking for a guy who ignores you and flirts with your friends, are ya? Doug makes a good case, but she rejects him. They agree they had fun together and it seems to end amicably enough. Wow. There is NO WAY that was a real break-up. First because they just started dating, like, two weeks before this and second because this show is so staged. I think there would be more fireworks if I broke up with my TIVO.

Tune in Sunday for a special new episode of The Hills before the Video Music Awards! Woot woot!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."