new jersey 2011  'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Friendly FireMany thanks to Jacob for covering last week’s hat-infused shenanigans with his usual aplomb!

We enter this week’s episode of Neanderthal Theatre with some construction. It’s Juicy, apparently doing home repairs to Casa de Bankrupta. Teresa loves how sexy he looks while strutting about cement piles in his unironic wifebeater, but is less fond of the fact that their house looks like a junkyard. They do say that a person’s house is an external reflection of his grimy, grimy soul. Apparently Juicy is building a garage so he can store all of his “equipment,” like backhoes or mistresses or barrels full of Chianti from which he takes his nightly sponge bath. Teresa is dubious as Juicy describes plans for a car port that won’t be attached to the house, but is won over the minute he mentions that there will be a chandelier. She assures us that going bankrupt doesn’t mean a) that you’re poor; b) that you crawl into a hole and die. Upon point b we can add a wistful, “Unfortunately.” Speaking of holes, Teresa spies some frogs in one of the backyard ditches, which Juicy plans to memorialize in concrete. She tells the kids not to touch them, because frogs give warts. I just…sigh.

Oh God, and then we move on to Joe Gorga and his haunted mill building that he’s turning into condos or whatever. He’s with architect John Bleeker, who is also working on Juicy and Teresa’s carport. It turns out that their carport is going to look exactly like the Gorga’s carport. Oooh, NOW who’s the copycat? And even more importantly, WHO FUCKING CARES? The last time I gave a rat about copying, I was in fifth grade and pinstripe jeans were involved! God I hope they gut this show just like they did with Real Housewives of New York. I would start with the Gorgas, because they bring nothing aside from the ability to agitate Teresa. Kathy I would keep, though. She’s somehow the only person on this show who manages never to be gross, and that’s worth retaining. Joe Gorga learns that Juicy and Teresa are building a garage, into which they plan to install Joe and Teresa’s parents. Joe is NOT thrilled about the idea of his beloved parents who may or may not speak to him on a regular basis having to live above a garage. He tells us that for the past ten years, his parents have lived in a house that he owns. He decided to sell the house, and now has been paying rent on it, but is looking for another little one-story ranch house for them. Or, maybe they’ll live above the garage. I’m usually all about the old people, but it’s hard for me to muster a care about what happens to the two beings whose collective DNA produced THIS. Oh my God, do you think they were COUSINS? There could be some Middlesex **** unfolding right before our eyes!

Meanwhile, Caroline and fat fat fatty Lauren have lunch, and Caroline is taken aback when Lauren orders a fruit cup. At first I thought she was taken aback because that is clearly not a hearty enough lunch, but in fact Caroline is wondering what’s up with Lauren’s crazy liquid egg whites diet from Dr. Perricone. Happily, Lauren has realized that it’s bull****, and/or just wants to enjoy her summer. She thinks that maybe if she works on the diet on her own, it’ll help her as a person. And then, ha! Caroline says, “Well, I think it’s a good idea…because I don’t want it to be a head trip for you.” Yes, Caroline, who has been so careful not to give her daughter any head trips around her weight issues! Caroline tells us that Lauren is a food addict. She knows what’s going to happen, but doesn’t want to tell Lauren that, because she doesn’t want Lauren to think that she has no faith in her. Oh, but why not tell it to a camera crew and all of America? Then Lauren will clearly be fooled into thinking that she is a wonderful and supportive mother. Lauren has this perception that everyone sees Caroline and Albert as having lost all kinds of weight, and Chris and Albie as being good looking, while she is just sad and chubby and unloved. (I added that last part, which is obviously the truest part.) Albert co-signs that Lauren has no self control, and tells us that when all else fails he’ll get her a lap band. Oh my God, and then Caroline ends this touching segment by telling Lauren, “You have to lose a couple of pounds. So what? It doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you a little chunk-a-mug! That’s all you are!” Seriously, I have heard Janice Dickinson be nicer to plus-sized people.

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