Nothing says “Valentine’s Day is over” like
a pregnant teenager struggling with her biology homework. But on The Secret
Life of the American Teenager, airing Mondays on ABC Family, that’s just what
you get — a girl struggling with teachers, boyfriends and OB-GYNs. It’s like Juno meets Zoey 101 meets The Wonder Years. In other words, it’s the
perfect show to party around. So call your friends and neighbors — it’s time we
had a talk about abstinence.
Setting the scene:
High school is a tough decorating project
if your home doesn’t already happen to have a cafeteria and a gymnasium. But
lockers replete with pictures of the Jonas Brothers taped
to the inside and a handmade banner touting an upcoming winter dance. Place
piles of used textbooks on the desks along with Mead
notebooks (woo hoo, the Trapper!), some loose-leaf paper and as many
Dixon-Ticonderoga No. 2 pencils as you can get your hands on since there might
be a quiz. Party favors should include DVD box sets of Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink. Hey, who doesn’t love Molly Ringwald?
Kids today don’t exactly have taste or
tell guests to walk into one of those stores with $100 and walk out a billboard
for corporate shills. Although in a sign of solidarity for Amy, maternity wear
is also encouraged.
On the menu:
Pregnant teenagers crave the most awful stuff
— that is to say they crave what regular teenagers crave: pizza, Doritos, gummy
bears and soda.
On the hi-fi:
Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne, All I Need by Before Balance, Hold On Beauty by Cameron McGill and What Army, Beautiful by Fur Patrol, Notice Me by J.J. Farris, or head to the show’s
Web site (abcfamily.go.com) and make your own mix tape.
Few things can take a party from an OK
shindig to a spectacular gala like a French horn soloist. Just as Amy hopes to
make it to Juilliard, why not contact your local high school or college and ask
about hiring a musician to perform a song or two? It’ll be awkward and haunting
— just like kids raising kids.