Contrary to what every molecule in our body is telling us, it’s still not the finale of “Top Chef All-Stars.” This show is the gift that keeps on giving, even when you’re confused and screaming, “Bravo, why do you keep giving me gifts?”

But it’s officially the penultimate episode, and now that Tiffany has joined our sweet Carla in being kicked out of the Bahamas, we suggest you read the rest of this recap listening to James Brown‘s “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” out of solidarity for poor Antonia.


So you think you’re a chef? Try being a chef without good food or chef-things! Wolfgang Puck — the iconic chef now best known for cursing airports with California Pizza Kitchen Expresses — is on-hand while the remaining three struggle to cook with handicaps like “one hand” that they choose for each other. 

Mike sticks poor Antonia with canned foods, but then Richard sticks him with the “no utensil” rule. Antonia’s other handicap is actually a bonus for us. It’s Carla, back from exile, and tied to her apron. And then she’s gone…

Puck seems less-than-enthused by the whole lot of them, ultimately crowing Mike the victor. But it means nothing! Because it’s elimination time, and that brings with it the return of one of our favorites, The Last Supper.

The chefs are assigned a different famous chef, for whom they’ll cool the meal they’d choose as their last on earth. Mike gets to pick Michelle Bernstein, who doles out the easy task of fried chicken, gravy and biscuits. Richard gets Wolfgang Puck, who orders a full-on Austrian feast of goulash, spaetzle and apple strudel. And then there’s Antonia, who has to go way outside her comfort zone for a sashimi-based Bento box for Masaharu Morimoto.

And it shows at the dinner table. Morimoto calls it “too salty” but is quick to say he doesn’t “dislike it.” Doesn’t dislike it? That’s “Top Chef” quality right there. We breifly lose track of what’s happening to google “Scotch Bonnets.” (They’re just peppers.)

Mike delivers his empanada “reinterpretation” of chicken and biscuits, Richard drops his goulash and then we get an insta-judges’ table, where Richard is almost immediately told that he’s going to the finale. Twist time!

For the remaining spot, Antonia and Mike will have to each present a single bite that represents themselves. Antonia chooses a seared grouper on a sweet little relish. Mike picks fried lobster and beef tartar. Surf and turf!? That can’t even fare, is it?

The judges favor Antonia’s dish to Mike’s, but since Tom Colicchio calls all the shots in this world, she goes home anyway. More like “Top Sexism,” eh?

Next week: the finale… we’re almost positive.

Posted by:Mikey O'Connell