Joelrush_truebeauty_240Nothing says organic like a couple of big fake boobs. When you think of munching on a granola bar, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? The True Beauty contestants think of surfing, seals, and saline. ‘Cause that makes perfect sense.

Now that CJ is gone, Billy has decided to take on a much more relaxed attitude. He’ll no longer try to gain perfection, and to prove it, he plays along with the other contestants’ wonderful idea of a Welcome Home Goth Party. It’s a little stereotypical, but at least Billy got down with the Gomez Addams ‘stache. Then, as if from a movie being played in Iranian torture camps, Billy and Chelsea erupt in an all-out dance-off, Britney and Justin style.

Time for fun and games is over once Vanessa trudges into the room. As part of their challenge, she makes the contestants each choose a personal item they could never live without. Julia and Laura show their true narcissism when they decide on bronzer and flat iron. Classy. Chelsea deliberates on a hair roller and mascara but ends up going with the practical choice of deodorant. Joel chooses something called hair stick? After Billy’s murse and $100 bill weren’t allowed, he decided to go with a protein bar… which he had hidden in his sock like a dagger. By the way, these items weren’t mentioned again for the rest of the episode. Editing fail.

So here’s the challenge. They’ll each get a partner to make a commercial all about natural beauty. It’ll involve hiking and camping and outdoorsy stuff, which is exactly what every true beauty is good at. The judges will be secretly judging them on their teamwork both during the 5-mile hike and during the shoot.

Chelsea and Ray don’t really get along. Fortunately for them, they both hate Billy and decide to rag on him during the hike. Billy, meanwhile, is recruiting Joel to be his personal groomer and all-around yes man. Don’t worry about Laura and Julia… one of them was a girl scout. Guess which.

After a little bromantic action at the beach, the teams are introduced to some old dude who owns a new organic company. I sincerely hope he didn’t have to pay to pimp out his company on this show. He explains that they better start brainstorming for their little commercial to be shot the next morning. “Yeah right,” says Ray–as he jumps into the ocean naked.

What’s worse: waking up to Taps or waking up to hippie old guy yelling through a megaphone? I vote hippie. Damn hippies. It’s, like, pre-dawn but they’re forced to get beautified for their shoots. I guess this might have been where the personal items would have come into play, but since there was no electricity for Laura and putting on deodorant seems pretty lame, they weren’t mentioned. However, staring into a plastic plate is not the equivalent of a mirror. And Joel scored bonus points for making fun of the camera-retarded bunch.

Let’s just take a moment of silence for all the seals of the world.

The judges weren’t as harsh on these supposed “commercials” as the rest of us probably would have been. Nolé looked on in disgust as he watched Julia’s video, which looked more like an application for a beauty pageant. Laura at least had the common courtesy of stripping, but Vanessa was disappointed she didn’t go full frontal. At least she gave me a midnight fantasy.

Ray’s was actually produced well, but he should have paid more attention to the background actors. Chelsea scared the wildlife with her stoic delivery. Nolé wasn’t buying what she was selling. Billy: “Won’t you join me?” Nuff said. Joel’s video was shot from the perspective of a 3-year-old and the judges slammed him even though Billy shot it. But the judges don’t like to think logically about such things.

Chelseabush_truebeauty_240

Actually, I think it’s quite funny that Billy won. Why? Because he actually believed that he was the shiznit. I guess confidence is king. To no one’s surprise, Chelsea and Joel land in the bottom two. It’s a good question about who will go home. On one hand, Chelsea has been a bitch pretty much 24/7. However, Joel acted like a complete douche to the lifeguard. It all comes down to the dreaded hidden camera challenge! Isn’t this so exciting?!?!

Today’s hidden challenge is brought to you by Miguel’s Landscaping. This guy is supposed to be watering the plants and “accidentally” sprays them with his hose. Joel, though clearly pissed, managed to suppress his rage and brush off the situation. What, no ‘roid rage today? Chelsea was a little more angered that her pretty little dress got water on it and let go a curse word. THIS is what got her kicked off? Cussing to yourself when some idiot sprays you with a garden hose? How lame. I’d have said a few four-letter words, too. Now that Chelsea’s gone, will anyone watch? Does anyone still care?

Posted by:Brandon Millman