Cjmiller_truebeauty_240They’re pretty, not stupid. True Beauty has yet to have a contestant freak out over the guise of the show. Perhaps because the “super secret” hidden challenges are more blatant than if there were forty cameras in the room. Oh yeah, and because you hire awful actors. I’m just sayin’.

These spoilers think shampoo is better. It goes on first and cleans the hair.

Everyone’s happy that Monique was sent home, mostly because CJ is the house’s big loveable teddy bear. They all want to know his secret. Not an actual exchange: “Dude, how’d you escape elimination twice in a row?” “I just flexed a muscle and gave them all telepathic orgasms, brother!” Or something to that effect. Billy tries to cheer CJ up by talking like an inner city troubled youth, but Ray disperses the tension by getting nekked. Yup, that’s about right.

This week’s challenge takes place at a photo studio. Another photo shoot? Yawn. We see an artist rendering of how the contestants would look in 50 years–Photoshop fail. Anyway, Vanessa decides they need partners so she rallies a bunch of old people to stand there and, um, look old. Everyone looks grossed out at first until they start aww-ing at them like they’re baby bunnies. The concept of the shoot is to come up with a concept and slogan that conveys timeless beauty. Oy vey.

Before the shoot, the judges spy on the contestants via hidden camera to see how they interact with their old people. Billy doesn’t let his old dude sit down in the only free chair, so he fails. Only, his old guy looks like he’s in better shape than even Billy and could probably kick all our asses. That was a wee bit unfair. But, Billy massively fails while they’re trying to think up the slogan. Not only does he ignore Robert, but he lets him wander away. Not in a senile way… in a bored way.

After hearing all the slogans, it’s pretty obvious that these people need to take a few copywriting and advertising classes. They all seem to do a decent job… except Billy. He’s made his old guy Robert really uncomfortable, and brags about picking out a blue shirt because it matches his eyes. Don’t Robert’s eyes count?

Back at the mansion, everyone’s eating beef and drinking tequila when Vanessa shows up. She challenges them to an impersonation-off. Whomever has the best impersonation gets to see the final photos a day early. Whoopty-effin-doo. CJ was robbed off the win (he did a dead-on Billy) with Joel taking it with his impersonation of a slutty Manhattan-obsessed Laura. Once he sees all the pictures, he proceeds to give his critiques to the rest of the house. CJ doesn’t appreciate the picture that was chosen, and throws a tantrum. What happened to your ch’i?

Next comes the judging. The judges are pretty much useless, so my theory is that they’re only regurgitating what Tyra Banks has demanded that they say… or else. They yak about who they like and dislike, but in the end Joel wins and CJ joins Billy in the bottom two. CJ continues his shit-fit about getting shafted on the picture choice, and for once I kind of agree. I think there were probably better shots than that, but I didn’t even think it was that bad to begin with. CJ’s pooch just got screwed.


On the way to the Hall of Beauty, Billy reads his flash cards that he’s specially prepared for the momentous occasion. We later discover that it’s actually just the multiplication tables. The hidden challenge this week is so incredibly stupid. On the same corner as always, they’ve stuck a little girl crying for her mommy. The girl is, like, thirteen and way too old to freak out like that. Plus, she’s not a very good crier on demand. I’m surprised Billy fell for it, but he was sweeter than a sugar cube. Will CJ be as receptive?

In the HOB, the judges make the contestants give their spiel for why they should stay, even though the loser has already been decided. Ah, sweet torture. Billy rips up his flash cards, and CJ suddenly decides he wants to try to win the money again. Too bad, so sad. CJ’s out, even though he helped the little girl. Although, the look on his face outside was priceless. He’s been to the HOB three times now and is noticing that something strange always happens right before he walks in. Hmm, producers… are you getting rid of the liability? He knows too much! Off with his head!

Posted by:Brandon Millman