true blood season 5 'True Blood' recap: Debbie Does DeathWhew! Raelle Tucker never disappoints.

Okay, so Steve Newlin is “the new Nan Flanagan,” which makes sense because she wouldn’t have been the one to turn him, but he’s the best Authority tool imaginable. Meloni’s Guardian and Salome are a double act, but he seems to believe in assimilation of vampire and human in a way she doesn’t, so she ends up coming off kind of like the Mary Magdalene to his Vampire Christ Superstar. In the end, she tries seducing both Eric and Bill — only manages Bill, ****wise — and in the end Tina Majorino outfits both boys with these complicated Jigsaw Killer deathtrap S&M halters that act like vamp alky anklets, and send them back to their lives. Sadly, Nora was a “Sanguinista,” so I was even more wrong about her than I thought last week, but also kinda more right than I knew.

Sookie gets into a violent faerie/vamp fight with Pam about tracking down Tara, but — after a brief moment of nearly killing some girl but then seeing her reflection, you know, LIKE VAMPIRES CAN — she’s run to Sam. Which makes sense in retrospect, considering he’s the only person more boring than her. She chills literally in his walk-in freezer, dreams about killing Arlene like we all have, and eventually wakes up to a big fight between Sook, Lafayette, Sam and Alcide. Whom, to her credit, Sookie tells about Debbie almost immediately.

But like everybody else in this episode, he calls her an *******. It’s kind of a theme throughout the episode and maybe season, where the writers jerk us off by saying that they get that Sookie never takes accountability for anything. It’s not the worst example, but it is a constant drumbeat: Sookie is the angel of death, everybody cleans up her messes, blah blah blah. Which I guess is validating for those of us who think watching TV is a fight with TV, but kind of repetitive for the rest of us. PS, TV shows: Stop trying to impress Twitter. It makes you look like a desperate underclassman.

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