Listen, making fun of children — even celebrity children who have never met a hairbush — is a really, really uncool thing to do. Just cruel, honestly. We would never.
That’s why we’re glad we’ve got Suri’s Burn Book to do it for us. The parody Tumblr is run by a fake Suri Cruise, who remarks on her fellow famous kids without mincing words. The tagline? “Just because you don’t have a Ferragamo handbag doesn’t mean you can behave like a child. (I’m looking at you, Shiloh.)”
Recently, when it was revealed that Justin Bieber had accidentally sent Cruz Beckham a guitar that he signed for Pax Jolie-Pitt, “Suri” was simply appalled. “Oh, good gracious. Mistaking a Beckham for a Jolie-Pitt is like mistaking a Chanel bag for a hobo bindle,” she writes.
She evaluates her peers with a (naturally) biased eye, based on how they threaten her status as most beloved celebrity child. Let’s just say that she isn’t Blue Ivy Carter’s biggest fan — though she’ll consider making friends with Reese Witherspoon’s bundle of joy. “This baby will only be a half-celebrity and
will surely have good manners, so I don’t ultimately see this as a
threat. In fact, I see this as an act of goodwill toward society.”
Her greatest targets, though, are not children at all. They are her parents.