.” This time around, the boys from “American Chopper” showed up because…um, well, because TLC ordered it. Let’s all thank God above that Jon’s past experience is in welding, not fishing, because I’m not sure America’s ready to see the sextuplets brave the elements while pursuing “The Deadliest Catch.”
Half of the episode was spent at the Gosselin’s McMansion, with the other half spent at Orange County Choppers. While Jon spent time with Paul Sr. and Jr. designing his dream bike (half Harley, half Batpod), Mike spent time with the kids, and in the process reminded America that Kate has teeth. Either she’s been told to lighten up her act, or genuinely found Mike funny, but in either case, she spent the majority of this week’s episode laughing at a man who looks like the love child of Chewbacca and Harry Knowles.
With all the heavy machinery involved in this week’s ep, the kids were relegated to the background. Awesome, TLC: it’s not like their innocent gems temporarily make us forget the drama going on in the family just below the surface. But with the adults at the forefront, we had plenty of opportunities to look past what they said and zero in on what they actually meant.
“Would I mind help? Did I just hear that question?” Kate
“I’ve lived off hands outs, sponsorships, and corporate synergy for the past four years of my life. Asking me if I need help is like asking The Backstreet Boys if they want it that way. The answer is YES.”
“It was just really not a puppet show that any mother would ever be proud that her child partook of,” Kate
“It’s much more satisfying when I shove my hand up Jon’s rear and make him dance like my monkey boy.”
“Mommy’s going to ride away on a motorcycle. Sit and watch.” Kate, to Alexis
“Mommy and Daddy are going to play a game called ‘chicken.’ We’re going to opposite ends of the driveway, and the one that flinches will be sleeping at a Red Roof Inn for the foreseeable future. Here’s a hint: put money down on Mommy.”
“She was real good, she held on tight.” Paul Senior
“So, so, so very tight. Vice-like, even. Those cold fingers still seem pressed across my flesh. I don’t think I’ve felt anything approximating happiness since. She’s a freakin’ Dementor.”
“As soon as Kate brought the food out and put the tray down, Shooka and Nala come over and snatch up chips, and Kate like freaks out, and I’m like, ‘What do you expect? You’re putting food on the ground. They don’t know any different.'” Jon
“It’s like those peanuts they lay out at the local bar. You know, the one right next to campus. I love peanuts. I really love peanuts. What do you expect? You’re putting peanuts on the bar populated by co-eds. I don’t know any different.”
“Senior yelled at me for not putting the grease away. Like, I was gonna go back and clean it up. But he’s so anal about everything, it’s ridiculous.” Jon
“I looked forward to getting away from Kate from a few days, but managed to walk into another cavernous house of antagonism. Someone kill me in the face, and do it now.”
“I just haven’t had time to do stuff that I enjoy. And this was the first opportunity that I got to enjoy something on my own and build something I was passionate about, and actually contribute.” Jon
“Sure, taken in context, this statement about finally reapplying my former building skills is pretty benign. But I’m pretty sure Kate’s lawyers will be playing this clip in divorce court somewhere in Week 2.”
“They had done footprints all over it, and ‘I Love Mom’ and little stick figures that said Girl, Girl, Boy, Boy, Boy, Girl, Girl, Girl. And I said, ‘Obviously you didn’t know their names or hadn’t paid attention.'” Kate
“Everyone knows their names are Book Deal, Talk Show Appearance, Speaking Engagement, Magazine Cover…”
“Paul Jr. was like, ‘PUT THE BRAKES ON!’ And he kept screaming behind me and I would turn around and come flying back past them.” Kate
“Oddly enough, that pretty much sums up my relationship with most of America right now.”
“He said to me later, ‘Yea, I really took a chance there. I didn’t know how you’d take that.’ Of course I thought it was hysterical.” Kate, talking about Mike’s joke about US Weekly in the salon
“As hysterical as the fact that he has no idea I have 400 women in Orange County ready to pounce should I give the word. The trigger word? ‘Bles8ings.”
“I built a bike. I built relationships. And I built friendships.” Jon
“And, with any hope, built a one-way road out from the hell that is my life.”
Are you ready for the crossover episodes to end, or are you worried what might come to the surface without strangers in their midst? And what other reality show stars should show up at the Gosselins? Leave your thoughts below!
Ryan is tuning up his Big Wheel over at Boob Tube Dude.