” featured love lost…and decapitated squids found. With Drew’s departure, there’s dissension in the Red Robot ranks, with Jamie no longer trusting her teammates. As they squabble, The Green Tigers look on in teenage delight. With that stage set, it’s back to the Toho Studios for more Majide! Awaiting them: bright pink floaties and colorful inner tubes. Amber Alerts sound all over Japan as the first game starts.

First Game: “Brain Freeze Fish Breath!”

The gist? Team members take turns bobbing for fish in ice-filled tanks. The team with the most fish by the end wins. Not at life. Just the game.

The outcome? Both teams have a hard time not straight up dying from hypothermia due to dunking their heads into the nearly frozen water. By the end, they are terrified to even stick their heads into the water to snag a fish. Because it’s official Japanese law that only Cathy’s team can win, the Green Tigers win this challenge.

Choice quote? “Dead fish, are you ready?” Rome Kanda. Heh.

After the first game, it’s onto diapers, bibs, and pacifiers. I can’t believe it took this long for the show to dress up its contestants as babies. I guess that’s the Majide form of restraint.

Second Game: “Baby Go Boom, Boom!”

The gist? It’s essentially the Japanese version of that game you see between innings in minor league baseball games, except instead of spinning on a bat, the players spin on a platform and then attempt to carry milk along a course that features spinning steps. Most total milk in the bin at the end of the course wins. For winning the first game, the Green Tigers don’t have to ride atop a life-size Grandma doll. It doesn’t make any more sense on TV than on your computer screen, trust me.

The outcome?
The obstacle course looks like what would happen if Rube Goldberg designed a Babies ‘R Us. Each team gets three minutes to complete the course as often as possible, but the way it’s edited makes it feel five times longer. As for the result…like I have to even mention it? Cathy’s Army wins by a landslide.

Choice quote? “Nobody puts baby in the corner!” Rome is on FIRE this week, people.

As a reward, the Green Tigers get to visit a sumo house and watch the wrestlers perform. Brent even gets to do a little fighting, and holds his own against one of the smaller wrestlers. Very cool. The Red Robots also get to visit a sumo house, but are instantly to put to work cooking, cleaning, and massaging. Very nasty. And that was before the naked sumo wrestler offered his cleaning advice. Poor Dan: the home-schooled virgin nearly dies from shame before my eyes.

Once back from their respective challenges, it’s time to elimination decision time. Jamie has hate in her eyes, trying to decide which teammate she wants to take down first in her Beatrix Kiddo-esque path of revenge. She decided to go for the easier target first, so it’s her and Dan going head-to-head while Justin tries to pretend he’s suddenly turned into Richard Hatch.

Elimination Game: “Up Your Nose, Dragon!”

The gist? Players must slide across a slippery slope, catch a falling ball, and push the ball into holes along the opposite wall. After sliding into the foam pit (I guess they blew through their season’s supply of flour), they get up and start all over again. Most points in two and a half minutes wins.

The outcome? Dan looks like he separates his shoulder at the outset, but then I realized he’s just lanky and uncoordinated. You can’t blame him: not too many team sports offered at home school. But Jamie fares even worse, unable to get a single ball into the dragon’s nose. Biggest upset since USA beat Spain 2-0 in the Confederations Cup!

Who will the Green Dragons trade away to keep their winning ways next week?

Posted by:Ryan McGee