“Are You the One?” is a math problem disguised as a dating show. It’s a fun game which can be solved by logic, complicated by the fact MTV casts young twentysomethings to figure out the puzzle — and they have host Ryan Devlin telling them each week that the key to winning is “keeping their eyes open” and “following their heart to find true love.” It’s the devil’s work.
Love is crazy. Love is blind. And whatever algorithm MTV uses to figure out these ideal pairings is not an exact science by any means. However, as mentioned before, this is a game. And if one by one, each cast member starts not caring to try and win, it’s chaos. “Are You the One?” becomes “The Real World: Dominican Republic.” This is supposed to be 22 singles trying to
find love win a $1 million grand prize, not seven strangers picked to live in a house to see what happens when people stop being polite.
Season 5 is a disaster. Normally, we’d be celebrating Wednesday night’s episode (Feb. 8), as the cast confirms their first perfect match, Kat and Eddie. But before we can yell, “Yay!” Eddie is hooking up with Alicia. Dear Eddie and Alicia, to use the vernacular of the house, we can’t with either of you.
Look, we get that Eddie isn’t truly into his assigned perfect match. This is the 21st century, arranged marriages are an archaic custom — but that’s essentially what’s happening on this show. And never before has there been such a blatant disregard for the game. For a brief moment, we thought maybe the cast of Season 5 are rebels! “Screw you, MTV! I have genuine feelings for someone and I don’t care if we’re perfect on paper.” But this is not the case.
We’d respect outright rebellion for sure — but this is just a house full of raging hormones and short-sighted egos. Imagine if all the contestants on “American Idol” decided they didn’t feeling like singing anymore: They are all just really enjoying getting to know the other contestants, love hanging out in the fancy digs the network put them up in, so they cancel all their performances. Forget the record deal and prize money, the whole thing is just so stressful, you know! Let’s kick back!
Well tough cookies, “Are You the One?” cast. You willingly auditioned for this show, became the 22 lucky people cast, and you’re contractually obligated to fulfill your duties as a cast member.
Kam can’t stand the thought spending the next five weeks in the Honeymoon Suite with Eddie, and we don’t blame her. When Kam approaches Eddie for an explanation, we would’ve felt for him if he had said I’m just not fully in it with you, and I have serious feelings towards Alicia that I can’t ignore.
Instead, Eddie says, “It’s my last day in the house, I wanted to enjoy it. I do stupid s***.”
Even worse than Eddie? Gianna, who’s an interesting case because she’s completely unaware of how she’s coming off to viewers. Gianna is so desperate for Hayden’s attention. She fights for it, convinces him that even though they aren’t a perfect match, they should still just go for it. While people always want what they can’t have until they have it, Gianna takes things one step further. Now, she’s trying to pull off this whole new tired “Oops, men just fall for me and I can’t help it” routine. If only Hayden wasn’t so painfully glib — these two fools are the epicenter of this current domino effect of bad behavior.
Other than Kam, the only person who seems to have their head on straight is Michael. And we can’t even believe we’re saying that.
“These people are not reasonable,” Michael laments. We get you, bro. And we couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
“Are You the One?” airs on Wednesday nights at 9 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.