Everyone’s talking about how great their relationships are, but wait! Chris Harrison is here to shake things up. I’m sad he’s not sporting his linen suit with a pink shirt to break the news to them that if they aren’t really feeling like their new relationship can transfer into the real world, they need to break up and hit the road.
Michelle wonders aloud if she has to decide if she’s ready to marry Cody right now. Well, Harrison did drop the M-word, which is … a little insane. Let’s not act like they have to take a plane home and get married on the tarmac.
AshLee and Graham
But anyway, the guys and girls split up to start hashing it out amongst themselves. Michelle and Cody seem to be on different wavelengths, but Michelle is actually more concerned with making sure AshLee is the real deal for Graham. Michelle talks to Graham about how AshLee is wrong for him, while AshLee interviews that Michelle has been in her corner and how grateful she is that Michelle supports her. Yikes.
That’s actually a little bit sad, but AshLee pretty much sucks, so I’m not shedding any tears over the fact that Graham puts a lot of weight into what Michelle says and it’s time for The Talk. He basically tells AshLee they don’t have what it takes to make it outside the show — “It doesn’t feel 100 percent correct to me.”
AshLee takes it pretty hard, though Graham hilariously tells Michelle that he thinks “she took it pretty well” as she cries and cries. Um, not so much.
Christy/Tasos and Zack/Jackie are done. Like, they’re so done the show spends about 30 seconds on both couples combined. Are we really going to spend 90 minutes on Cody/Michelle, Marcus/Lacy and Sarah/Robert? Wow.
Cody and Michelle
Michelle calls her daughter Bree and they’re adorable together. Bree sounds like she has a better head on her shoulders than 90 percent of the women that go on “The Bachelor.” Spinoff for Bree Money. Also, Bree-Money sounds like her hip hop name. Heh.
The talk with Bree has Michelle ready to see how things go with Cody, so that means it’s overnight date time!
The overnight dates
The Sarah/Robert date starts off on a really good foot for them. There’s some serious hot tub making out and Sarah says in an interview that they’ll be “digging deep,” aka “hooking up.”
Meanwhile, the Marcus/Lacy date is full of some major schmoopiness. Lacy even drops a “you complete me.” Oh lord.
And over with Michelle and Cody, Michelle says she needs to spend the night with him off camera to see what’s going on, while he’s, like, ready to get married or something. It’s a little alarming. Pump the brakes, Code! But Michelle seems to want to honestly just see how things are between them in private — and apparently check out the size of Cody’s package! Though she tells him he’s not getting laid, but … hmm. (Spoiler alert: They totally had sex.)
The next day
Most everyone is all smiles, particularly Michelle. She’s “sore” and “satisfied,” and later she reveals to Lacy that Cody is really good in bed. Goodness.
But who is not all smiles is Sarah, because apparently she didn’t get as much from Robert as she thought she was going to, or as much as other people did on their dates.
Sarah reveals in an interview that Robert wore his jeans under the covers and when she tried to undo his pants, he stopped her. She’s feeling offended and rejected, which is — I get where she’s coming from, especially in the face of how Michelle can’t stop talking about having sex with Cody. But, she’s also getting a little weird about it. If the genders were reversed and Robert had tried to undo Sarah’s jeans and was complaining about how they didn’t hook up, he would sound “rapey,” you guys. That’s a word I guarantee you people would be using to describe his interviews if the genders were reversed here.
Now, to Robert’s face, Sarah says she’s upset that they didn’t stay up all night talking and that they didn’t have this emotional connection. But that’s not what her private interviews are saying. Her private interviews are a little alarming to me, honestly. Either way, Sarah basically breaks up with Robert and he seems very surprised and hurt. He leaves and she cries.
Geez. I know that we were not in the fantasy suite, but I feel like Sarah really jumped the gun on this one. She cries to Michelle and Lacy that Robert didn’t want to hook up with her and I can’t help but feel like this is one of Sarah’s big issues. Guess what, ladies? You don’t have to hook up to prove you like someone. You can take things slow, as Robert says. There’s nothing wrong with that, good lord.
Instead of just ending things, Sarah should have voiced her concerns and insecurities to Robert so they could talk things out. She sort of did that, but she did it in such a way that it seemed very final. She basically said, “The fantasy suite wasn’t what I thought it would be, so we’re done.”
And of course, now that he’s gone, she’s regretting her decision. Yes, because you are being kind of insane, girlfriend! Ugh, even the great girls are crazy on this show. Stop acting crazy, ladies! In the great words of “A” from “Pretty Little Liars”: “Act normal, b****.”
The next step
We have to revisit everyone’s favorite “Bachelor” couples — Sean/Catherine, Jason/Molly and Chris/Desiree — as they sit down with everyone for some therapy sessions. It’s kind of dumb, honestly. I appreciate that the show found an interesting way to end the show, instead of just having everyone leave. But this is silly and a lot of filler.
Then we have to do a rose ceremony — because of course we do.
Cody and Michelle say nice things, but Marcus really steals the thunder by taking Lacy off alone and proposing to her on the beach. Well, that was fast. I’ll believe it when they’ve been married for a few years and have kids. But maybe that’s what will happen. You never know.
My big quibble with this is that we aren’t invested in Marcus/Lacy. Since they weren’t one of the drama couples, we didn’t get to see much of them after like episodes two and three. So this feels weird and fast and forced. I think I would be more excited about this if they had had more screentime, “Bachelor” editors.
But at least we get to end things with Chris Harrison speaking directly to us in a fashionably beachy suit and an amazing “where are they now” montage and bloopers! All is forgiven, “Bachelor” editors.
What did you think of the “Bachelor in Paradise” finale?