Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert is smart, successful, not necessarily a bad-looking guy … but, do you want to be him? More importantly, would you pay $895 for a wallet that makes you more like him?

“Folks, I don’t want to brag, but I’m a celebrity,” smiles the new “Late Show” host, asking exactly that in a video from his first week on the talk show. “That means I get a lot of perks — like when [Apple COO] Tim Cook was on this week I got a new Apple watch…but even with all the trappings of fame, there’s more to life. There’s lifestyle.”

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Making reference to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, Ellen DeGeneres’ ED, Blake Lively’s Preserve and other such projects, Colbert says it’s time for him to “curate” his own lifestyle brand.

“Oh hi, I was just enjoying my lifestyle,” Colbert begins the ad for his lifestyle brand, sitting on a couch in the middle of a field surrounded by out-of-place knick-knacks. “[I’m just sitting] here in my living woods.”

Drinking parmesan absinthe tea, Colbert explains: “As a celebrity, my life is filled with luxury items, hand-selected jewelry and the illusion of free time. If you’re like me — and I am — you’re a unique individual who wants to be just like Stephen Colbert. And that means more than just looking like The Great Gatsby threw up on you.”

Colbert’s company, Covetton House, has an icon of a polo-playing minotaur. “Of course people think of me as a talk show host,” says Colbert. “But my real passion, ever since I was a child, is being a brand. That’s why, every time my parents said my name, I sued them for trademark infringement.”

Using the motto “Want,” Colbert pitches hand-touched suede coasters (“An elegant way to say to guests ‘Don’t get these wet!’), an $895 wallet made by a bison, and an “antique designer sofa” that looks suspiciously like the sort of cheap, tattered couch you’d find at the sidewalk on trash day.

“So stop by Covetton House today,” Colbert urges. “And treat you to some me.”

Posted by:Larry Carroll

Writer, Geek, Bon Vivant.