It’s hard to believe that in less than month, audiences will be watching Nick Viall date 30 women and pretend he might make one of them his future wife. It seems like it was only yesterday we were throwing glasses of wine at the TV in anger that JoJo picked Jordan Rodgers on “The Bachelorette” — and was it not just this morning that Chad got too drunk on the very first night of “Bachelor in Paradise” and crapped his pants? Oh, our dear sweet dating show franchise, it’s a wonder what you have in store for us in Season 21.
So, thanks to ABC for releasing the photos of all 30 contestants: It’s like Christmas came early! We can’t wait to meet these lovely ladies. Bold fearless women, who upon being cast, jumped ship from their regular lives with high hopes of
staying on the show just long enough to be named the next”Bachelorette” star finally finding true love.
Now that the shock of Nick being picked over one of the most beautiful man in the world — er… what’s his name? Okay, maybe it has been a long few months since “Bachelorette” ended. Robbie? No. Chase! Wait, no. We’ve already mentioned him — oh yes! Luke. Now that the surprise rage from that decision has finally subsided, we can focus on which of these ladies are going to capture Nick’s eye.
This season is going different from others, and not just because it’s the fourth time this 36-year-old software salesman is appearing on the ABC franchise. It’s because Nick’s goal here is honestly something other than finding his future wife. Finally able to rehab his image from the douchebag with a slight lisp to a somewhat genuinely likable guy on “Paradise,” Nick really wants to become America’s Sweetheart, and his agenda is quite obvious.
He’s not going to go for the hot blonde. Or the sultry brunette who loves horses and pretends moving to Milwaukee to be a housewife is her dream.
No. Nick’s going to try to win audiences over by keeping the dating pool as ethnically diverse as possible, something for which the series is (rightly) called out on, year after year: This is where Nick sees his epic opportunity for continued fame. He wants to be known as the guy responsible for lining up the first African American “Bachelorette.” Man, If only Nick was a genuinely good guy and these choices were being made for the right reasons. The man couldn’t even convincingly fake cry when he broke Jen’s heart on “Paradise” last season.
Oh, has everyone forgotten that Nick dropped Jen like a bad habit in order to nab this role? Does it matter? Yes — but not for today’s purposes. We all want to know which of these 30 (We’d make a solid bet Jen shows up as a surprise, so make it 31) is going to get that final rose.
Happy holidays, “Bachelor” fiends. Here’s the definitive pre-premiere ranking of all Nick’s new bachelorettes. And not to brag, but we did predict months ahead of time that Nick would be named “The Bachelor.” So, do not take these predictions with a grain of salt.
Good luck, ladies! And may the best woman
who gives ABC the highest rankings each week win!
The Six Contestants You Must Know
Nick’s ‘First Impressions’ Rose: Raven
The 25-year-old from Arkansas is a college graduate — which, on “The Bachelor,” stands out like three PhDs. She also has Disney Princess hair. Put those things together and you’ve got her in the running for at least a hometown date… But we don’t see her getting the final rose. She’s too sweet — and she’ll never see her elimination coming.
The ‘I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends’ Chick: Corinne
She’s gorgeous and filthy rich. This Candice King lookalike is not interested in hawking diet pills on Instagram to make a few bucks, so her flippancy whether she stays from week to week will piss off the other girls. Her ego will most likely make her the cycle’s villain, but she’ll embrace the attention showered on her whether it’s good or bad.
At 24, Corinne’s still young enough to believe she can find true love on TV — and confident she’s the exception to the rule when it comes to Nick. Corinne will be the one to wonder aloud why on earth Nick is even still continuing this charade of a reality show, when he clearly fell in love with her the moment they met.
Saddest Story: Elizabeth, aka ‘Liz’
The fact that Elizabeth was cast on this cycle is heartbreaking. In fact, it’s borderline cruel. First of all, we’re really glad she felt the need to make note of her super rare nickname. How would anyone else think to call Elizabeth just plain Liz? She’s so witty! Or did she think that if she just wrote “Liz,” audiences wouldn’t know that her full name was Elizabeth? Either way, le sigh: Host Chris Harrison tells Yahoo that it will eventually be revealed that Elizabeth (aka Liz) previously met Nick. They hooked up at a wedding. Wait, there’s more.
This wedding? Many “Bachelor in Paradise” may have read about in the trades: The nuptials of lovebirds Jade and Tanner. Wait, it gets even better: Elizabeth (aka Liz) was the Maid of Honor.
After you finishing soaking THAT in…
“She applied after finding out Nick was going to be the Bachelor,” Harrison says. “She told us the story about how they hooked up at this wedding and they hit it off. She thinks they have unfinished business… We figured Nick could always let her go if he was not into it. That is just our kind of story, our kind of twist…”
Oh wait. It gets even more depressing: “She convinced us that there’s a history there that she is not ready to give up on yet,” Harrison says. “She is a very sweet girl and pretty. We confirmed that this had happened, and we did not tell Nick about it. We wanted that to be a surprise to him on night one.”
The ‘I Can’t With This One’: Alexis
Homegirl is an aspiring dolphin trainer. This is right up there with all the ones who write in their occupation as a “former (insert professional sports job).” These people are unemployed. Oh, and then there’s the fact that this girl is 23 — Nick’s 36. We’d go on, but it’s not worth the time. She will not make it past the first night. Rumor has it she “makes a splash,” showing up in full costume…
Fan Favorite: Rachel
Based on first impressions, Rachel is everything. Honestly, we already love her. This Texas attorney with Michelle Obama arms is definitely one to watch. And based on what we think is Nick’s real agenda for his “Bachelor” season,
to be famous and never have to return to his job in software to find true love, she’s a shoo-in for a hometown date — and possibly (hopefully) the next Bachelorette: Nick won’t be smart enough to give this knockout the final rose.
The New Jen: Vanessa
Not much stands out about the special education teacher from Canada. Fingers crossed she doesn’t have an exaggerated-for-TV accent like Bachelor Nation’s Speedo-loving hunk-of-dumb Daniel — but maybe that would at least make her more interesting? Vanessa seems about as interesting as Jen. And by that we mean, as complex as maple syrup. But she’s very pretty, and Nick himself isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. Vanessa will likely fly under the radar until the very end.
The Six to Keep an Eye on
The Six We Refuse to Even Deal With
The Six We Won’t Remember Distinctly
The Six We Can’t Help Rooting For
“The Bachelor” returns Monday, Jan. 2 at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.