The town of “Riverdale” has a problem, and it’s not that they’ve got a murderer on the lose. Their real problem is that somehow, every single adult in their little hamlet is literally the worst. Someone take these precious kids away from their terrible (possibly murderous) influences!
First up, we’ve got Miss Grundy (Sarah Habel): A young, promising music teacher who just happens to enjoy having sex with her students. WHAT?! Even after she was chased out of town, we’re super alarmed that Riverdale High School’s screening process is apparently lax enough that a sexual predator made it through hiring. We’re giving every single teacher at that school a side eye from now on.
Unfortunately, it’s not like home schooling is an option — since almost every single parent on “Riverdale” is also super shady.
Jughead’s (Cole Sprouse) dad (Skeet Ulrich) is part of a biker gang, and apparently has no issue with his teenage son being homeless. There’s obviously more to this situation than we know — but we’re pretty sure one of the first rules of raising kids is not letting them live on a couch at a drive-in movie theater.
Next we’ve got the Coopers, who are on their best day restrictive and suffocating, and on the worst… Possible murderers. Alice Cooper (Mädchen Amick) seems to have a serious bone to pick with the Blossoms, thanks to some petty high school grudges — not to mention Jason’s (Trevor Stines) apparent mistreatment of Polly. On the other side of the board, Betty’s dad has bad blood with the Blossoms going back generations — we’re not so sure he didn’t institutionalize Polly when he found out about her and Jason’s relationship. Talk about awful parenting!
Archie’s (K.J. Apa) dad, Frank (Luke Perry), is less terrible since he genuinely loves his son and even built him a soundproof garage to practice his music. Still, not knowing your son is sleeping with his teacher is a major bad-dad move, so we’re going to need Frank to start paying more attention in case Archie falls into yet another trap.
Hermione (Marisol Nichols) is undoubtedly the most loving parent we’ve seen so far. You’d think she would be cold and aloof, given she raised Veronica (Camilla Mendes) with more money than she could ever spend in the elite clutches of Manhattan socialites. If we learned anything from “Gossip Girl,” it’s that the Upper East Side is not the ideal place to raise emotionally well-adjusted children. Hermione proved that stereotype false, however, providing warm maternal love and a healthy home environment for her daughter.
Now if only she’d stop laundering money for her incarcerated ex-husband, she’d be perfect.
The worst adults of “Riverdale” have to be the Blossoms. They seem to take joy out of terrorizing Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch), which explains so much of her Queen Bee character. Her mother’s behavior in particular seems nightmarish. There’s being a strict parent, and then there’s being a monster. Penelope Blossom (Nathalie Boltt) sure knows how to toe that line.
We’re also way less creeped out by Cheryl’s deep connection with her brother than we used to be: Twins tend to already be close, but twins that grow up in an emotionally abusive household like Thornhill no doubt become more attached than normal. We can only hope they didn’t have a “Game of Thrones” thing going on that we don’t know about…
“Riverdale” airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on The CW.