Take the funniest sitcom of all time, mix in the least funny moment in U.S. history, put them together and you get … one really weird script. Also a well-read one, judging by the viral explosion of “Seinfeld – The Twin Towers,” an episode sketch written by comedian Billy Domineau.
The 9/11 script not only imagines the “Seinfeld” episode that never was, but also one that likely never would have been, even if the New York-based sitcom had still been on the air in 2001.
You can read Domineau’s full, twisted vision here — or take a look below, as we highlight five of our favorite, twisted ideas for a show about nothing’s proposed episode about something.
George is still a jerk
In the script, George Constanza’s job with the New York Yankees has him appearing at a ceremony honoring first responders in the days after the 9/11 tragedy. As only Jason Alexander’s character can, he manages to put his foot in his mouth while standing at a buffet line behind a firefighter and police officer. “Horrible, horrible,” he says of the tragedy, pointing out that the nature of their jobs is to save lives. “And yet, it must be just a bit exciting.”
“They don’t know how good they have it!” he later vents to Jerry at Monk’s diner. “My whole life I’ve wanted to be a hero. Here it just falls into their laps and they don’t even appreciate it!”
Of course, the firefighter takes a swing at George, and we can only assume he lands in a bowl of dip — which he then dunks a chip into, twice.
Elaine’s boy troubles get deadly
In virtually every episode of the classic sitcom, Jerry and Elaine would find themselves dating new people, who would then disqualify themselves through some seemingly-minor character quirk that the duo found offensive. In “Twin Towers,” it’s imagined that Elaine lost her latest boyfriend in the attack — and she’s grateful that his death saved her the trouble of dumping him.
“He was nice, but in conversations he was just so … animated,” explains the iconic character, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus. “It was like I was dating a radio sound effects guy. Anyway, [his death] saved me an awkward dinner.”
Apparently, the character was neither sponge-worthy nor sympathy worthy.
Kramer and Newman conspire
Much like the classic recycling scam episode, Jerry’s friend and his arch-enemy team up when they discover a loophole in the system: Newman, a mailman, says that if the mail address is illegible on a so-called “misfit” mailing they can legally keep it.
Driven by the time they once found “an envelope with 650 loose jelly beans,” they want to cut open more packages — but since Kramer loaned his box-cutter to Mohammed Atta, who then turned out to be a 9/11 terrorist, he doesn’t have the adequate equipment. Sensing a windfall, he calls up unscrupulous lawyer Jackie Chiles.
A hero’s welcome
Mistaken for a 9/11 hero, George is all-too-eager to embrace the title — and the benefits that come with it.
At the video store, the clerk gives him his XXX VHS tape for free; he gets draped in a sash reading “NYC’s Greatest Hero,” which he uses to wipe pastry crumbs away from his mouth. Dating a 9/11 widow, she remarks: “I never thought I’d be with someone so soon. I wonder if this is what Richard would want.”
“We can never know for sure,” says George, leaning in for a kiss. “But I do know he’d want you to be very happy.”
“We’re probably breathing in her husband now!” remarks an outraged Jerry.
White powder = never not funny
At a banquet honoring 9/11 heroes, Kramer finally decides to slice open one of his “misfit” pieces of mail. With George addressing the crowd, the floppy-haired hipster uses his newly-acquired box-cutter to slice open a manila envelope — which then fills the room with white powder.
In the weeks after 9/11, anthrax scares ran wild as various news outlets stoked fears of nondescript envelopes carrying the deadly infection. But as only “Seinfeld” could, the powder ties the plot together by making George cough — and when the survivors in the room realize that their “hero” coughed differently, they revolt … and yada, yada, yada.