There’s one major problem with this season of “The Bachelor,” besides its star being Nick Viall: Somehow, after four weeks, there’s still way too many girls left. Has anyone even gone home?
The truth is, if your name isn’t Corrine you’re not getting any screen time. And if you haven’t had a one-on-one date yet, most viewers could not pinpoint you in a lineup. It’s hard to get excited and root for your favorites during a rose ceremony when it’s nearly impossible to tell one mermaid-haired beauty from the next:
Why does Kristina have such a thick Russian accent but her bio says she grew up in Nashville? Producers keep finding a new way to remind us Jaimi’s bisexual, even though we’d love to hear more details about literally anything else in her life. And we can only discern Josephine from the crowd because, aside from Corrine, she’s the only other blonde left.
We can easily identify Vanessa, Sarah, and Rachel. Taylor’s making a name for herself as Corinne’s nemesis. Astrid kind of rings a bell?
…But pray tell, who is Whitney? Seriously, we have no clue. Has she really been there the whole time?
Well, dang! Apparently so. The mysteriously under-the-radar Whitney is a 25-year-old
Instagram model Pilates instructor from Los Angeles. And here’s a fun Bachelor Nation fact to help you remember who she is: Her ex is “Most Eligible Dallas” star Matt Nordgren, who was good friends with former “Bachelorette” star JoJo Fletcher’s ex, Chad Rookstool. It’s a small reality dating TV show world, huh?
It wasn’t until we checked out Whitney’s Instagram account that we realized she went on the group Backstreet Boys date… Or any date for that matter. My goodness, did she really step out of the limo and meet Nick on Day 1? It’s like the Berenstain Bears with this girl.
The fact that this information needed to be doublechecked — with a full eight hours of “Bachelor” footage under our belts — means it’s time to cut the fat. Cycle 21 will continue to be painfully boring until someone aside from Corrine gets more airtime. Like the petite, feisty Raven: When her date card read “Let’s kick it” — and she guessed they’d be playing baseball? Game ON!
During Raven’s one-on-one date with Nick — watching his little sister Bella play soccer, of course — she opens up about the night she walked in on her ex cheating on her.
Not only did Raven break down the locked door “like a ninja,” after seeing her ex “on top of her, thrusting,” okay, she jumped onto the bed and tackled her naked ex… Which is not even the best part. Raven then picked up this random girl’s stiletto heel, and beat her ex in the head with it. The terrified nervous giggles squeaking out of Nick’s panicked beard as she went into more detail than anyone needed — “I know what her vagina looks like,” Raven proclaims — are absolutely everything. Oh, this southern belle is crazy pants and we
would not talk crap about her in fear she will find us and rip our heads off love her so much!
Danielle L also had a one-on-one date this week, and even though Nick seems smitten, we had trouble staying awake during their time together. Danielle L is as exciting as gluten-free toast. “She has so many qualities I’m looking for in a wife,” Nick says. Does he know a nice rack doesn’t count as a trait one way or the other? Or is he so mired in being basic and dudebro that he can’t imagine “marriage” as something you might do with someone interesting?
While she seems like a very sweet girl, Danielle L is this season’s Chase McNary: Incredibly good looking, sounds good on paper, but it would be more entertaining watching b-roll of Josephine snacking on hors d’oeuvres than listen to anything Danielle L. has to say. If she doesn’t steal Nick’s heart in the end, maybe Danielle L. will meet Chase on the next season of “Bachelor in Paradise.” The two of them can spend all night discussing the weather, while eating sugar-free vanilla ice-cream and sipping the house white.
Something numerically drastic needs to happen next Monday (Jan. 30). Either a few women storm off the set, fed up with having to pretend they don’t notice Nick’s minor lisp (how does not everyone hear this?), or host Chris Harrison forces Nick into having a double rose ceremony, or something. It’s way past time for Nick to make some moves, or he risks us all taking a note from Corrine’s handbook and napping through these next few episodes.
“The Bachelor” airs at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.